


My Never

by I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoptive Parent Castiel (Supernatural), Angst with a Happy Ending, Bar manager Castiel, Bottom Dean Winchester, Cas has anxiety and panics a fair amount, Cas is a parent to a teenager, Castiel Talks About Feelings (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Talks About Feelings, Fluff and Angst, He also has a speech delay and uses sign language, Jacob has Down Syndrome, Jacob is freaking awesome, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Singer Dean Winchester, Texting. A whole lotta texting, The boy is mostly made of sarcasm and sass, Top Castiel (Supernatural), Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, but he really is a sweetheart, past breakup
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:35:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22829563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine/pseuds/I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine
Summary: “No, it’s not that I don’t want a boyfriend. I just don’t want YOU!”Castiel spat the words at Dean, anger flooding every part of him. He wasn’t even angry with Dean, he just needed out and he knew Dean would fight for them as long as he still believed Cas loved him. He had to take away any small thread of belief and hope. He had to. It was the only way for a clean break.~*~Seven years ago, Castiel broke Dean’s heart. Dean had been happy, in love, and was left more confused and hurt than he’d ever been in his life.He packed a suitcase and his guitar into his Impala and hit the road without knowing where his end destination would be. He just had to get out of this town.Now, he’s a semi-well known singer who’s been invited back to his home town for a gig. He’s doing it as a favor to an old friend who owns a bar, and last he’d heard Cas was away at college studying to be an accountant... so one night back there shouldn’t be so bad, right?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dorothy Baum/Charlie Bradbury, Rowena MacLeod/Sam Winchester
Comments: 69
Kudos: 122
Collections: The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cjlove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cjlove/gifts).



**Dean**

Dean’s hands were shaking. It wasn’t that unusual for nerves to get the best of him right before he went on stage, but right now he felt like those nerves were constricting his chest to the point he was convinced he’d just forgotten he was wearing a corset. He emptied the rest of his water bottle, shrugged, then downed the double whiskey that had been sitting on the dressing table.  
A cursory glance in the mirror showed that outwardly, not his was different. He looked good, his hair wasn’t the bucket of sweat he was expecting, and the sudden rush of adrenaline had given his cheeks a bit of a flush, which actually didn’t look too bad.

The minutes ticked by, and gradually Dean was able to get his breathing under control. “It’s just another gig,” he told himself.

He wanted to text Charlie. He wanted to ask her why she hadn’t warned him that Cas would be here, but he already knew the answer. It wasn’t like he talked about Cas to anyone anymore. In fact, it had been a couple of years since he’d even brought Cas up in casual conversation, as if his interest was merely a passing curiosity. It had been nearly five years since he’d actually sat down with someone and talked to them in depth about the irreparable crack in his heart that was the memory of Castiel Novak. Well, if we’re getting technical then Dean would have to admit that many of his fans are acutely aware of just how fathomless the depths of his heartbreak truly is, though they don’t know the name of the man who caused it. They just know that Dean hasn’t ever moved on, and that he writes a lot of songs about how completely fucking broken he is.

He stuck his head out of the door just far enough to ask Charlie over the noise of the constant chatter to please grab him another double whiskey.

**Castiel**

Castiel was stood at the back of the room by the bar as he saw Charlie approaching. He’d just finished explaining to the new guy how to pour beers so that you didn’t end up with a giant pile of head in the glass, and now he just wanted to catch the live act to distract himself from the idiots that his boss - best friend and owner of the club - insisted on hiring. With an overly dramatic grumble, he told her as much.

“Alfie isn’t an idiot, Cas!” Charlie exclaimed.

“Okay, sure, he’s not an idiot. He’s an exceptionally intelligent boy who just doesn’t know how to not make a fucking mess of a drink, that’s all.”

“You know, you could be less of an ass to him. He’s young, he wants to learn, and he really is trying. He’s only just turned 21 so this is his first job in a bar, and look at him! How could I say no to that adorable little face? He’s like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time or something.”

“Dammit, Charlie,” Cas says with a smile. “Him lacking in experience and reminding you of a literal infant is not supposed to be a pro in the ‘should I hire this kid?’ column!”

They both start giggling, and Cas wraps his arm around the kind-hearted but completely ludicrous redhead. How her business was doing so well was anyone’s guess. She seemed to run it on the idea of rainbows and butterflies with a side order of love and harmony rather than any legitimate business model.

“I gotta take a drink over to the performer, I think he’s a bit nervous. He’s never seemed nervous in any of the videos I’ve watched of him online, but maybe he’s just good at covering it or something because that boy is _sweating_.”

“Okay, go do that. I’m gonna get Benny to announce the live act. It’s only two minutes before he’s due on, so get him to down that quick.”

**Dean**

As soon as Dean's name was announced, he grabbed his guitar and pasted on a shy smile. This was nothing. He could do this. He could get out there, perform his songs, bask in the way crowds always found him and his lyrics so relatable (everyone’s experienced a heartbreak, right?), and get out of this alive. It does not matter that the person who shattered his heart happens to be the fucking night manager of this bar. It does not matter that he’s going to hear all the words Dean poured his soul into while getting over losing the person he thought he’d be with forever. It does not matter that he’s going to know just how permanently their breakup had wrecked him. He’s going to know exactly how wrecked he was and how many years it took him to stop aching over it.

None of that matters, it just doesn’t.

  
Dean is going to perform here this one time, then he’s going to run from this town and never look back.

**Castiel**

The man, their live performer for tonight, walks out onto the stage and stands in front of the microphone. The deep breath he takes before he starts singing is audible and loud enough to be heard throughout the entire room. He adjusts something on the microphone stand, fingers fumbling slightly. When he’s done, he looks up, showing his face to the audience properly for the first time.

Castiel’s soul leaves his body.

He would recognize those eyes anywhere. He had seen them up close as he’d brushed his fingers across the man’s cheek. He’d stared into them while out for a walk during a full moon and had sworn he could see all the stars in the night’s sky reflected in them. He’d seen them roll back and close slowly as he sighed in pleasure while Cas' tongue had dragged over the exposed skin of his hip bones.

He had also seen them red, swollen, and with tears clinging to those preposterously long lashes on the night he had told him he was leaving. He had felt the guilt in his gut, knowing that he had been the one to cause that anguished look in them.

Then, Dean starts to sing, and nothing in the universe matters anymore.

Castiel allows the warmth of Dean’s voice and the depth of those lyrics to wash over him. His heart catches in his throat and it’s like he’s drowning with no possible escape. How could he have forgotten what Dean’s voice sounded like? He thought he remembered everything about that man, but his memories hadn’t even come close to the honey-rough-bourbon sound that was filling his ears. Goosebumps prickled Castiel’s skin, and he shivered as the song continued.

“ _I wanna say your name, but the pain starts again_ ”

Cas is stone. He couldn’t move for anything right now, and he can’t tear his gaze from the stunning man in front of him. Dean is no longer the beautiful boy that he once knew, but the man he has become is somehow even more breathtaking to look at.  
His jaw line is more defined, his muscles have filled out, and his face is lightly stubbled. Dean’s features are still delicate, but his looks have gone from that youthful beauty to handsome and remarkable.

“ _I lost a lot of what I don't expect to ever return  
I tend to push until the pushing' goes from hurting to burnt  
I always take them to that place  
I thought they wanted to go  
Then end up dancing around this  
Clown commands applause at his show_”

Castiel’s heart sinks lower and tears prick the corners of his eyes. He knows that pain all too well. Of course he does, he’s the one who caused it. He’s the one that ended the best thing that ever happened to him, and knowing he did it for a damn good reason will never ease the pain from that fact.  
  
Pain doesn’t hurt any less if you choose it yourself. When the only choices you have are bad ones and you make the one you think is best for everyone, the knowledge that you did what you could doesn’t stop your own heart from breaking. Especially when you know you caused so much destruction in the lives of others... in the lives of people you loved.

“ _I had a dream that you were with me, it wasn’t my fault  
You rolled me over, flipped me over, like a somersault  
That doesn’t happen to me  
I’ve never been here before  
I saw forever in my never  
And I stood outside his heaven.  
I stood outside his heaven  
I stood outside his heaven  
Oh, won’t you let me in your heaven_”

**Dean**

As the song ended, Dean looked up at the crowd one more time. He locked into a stare with the tall, dark-haired man in the back, and they held each other’s gaze for a small eternity. The crowd clapped, completely unaware of the time-stopping moment going on between two people who once meant everything to each other.

Dean’s face was unreadable, but Castiel’s was an open book. His emotions changed faster than anyone else could keep up with, but Dean knew every inch of that face better than his own.

The changes that age brought hadn’t changed that ability in the slightest.

Confusion. Surprise. Betrayal. Then last of all, anger flares through those eyes - sparkling blue, even from this distance.

His nostrils flared slightly as he turned to glare at Charlie, then he dragged his eyes back to Dean’s for one last glance before doing what he knew he had no choice but to.

With all the dignity he could muster, Castiel turned on his foot and fled through the back door into the cold of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Dean sings in this chapter (that also gives this story its title) is by a band called Blue October. I do not own these lyrics, nor do I have any rights to their music.  
> There will be other songs by other bands in later chapters used as songs that Dean wrote, but all songs will be credited to the original artists.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas confesses a few things to Charlie.

**Dean**

  
Dean was stunned by what had just transpired. He had been so caught up in how it had felt to catch sight of Cas when he wasn’t expecting it, and how it was going to affect him to see Cas properly after all this time, that it never occurred to him that Cas himself might find it difficult to be in the same room as him. But he worked here, so he must have known that Dean was the one performing, right? Or had Charlie hidden it from him too? Gods, this was already a mess.

Dean resigned himself to finishing his set and hauling ass out of town at the first available opportunity.

He trudged through the rest of his set list as best he could, knowing full well that his performance was pretty damn lacklustre. At this point, that didn’t bother him. All he cared about was getting it over and done with so he could find Charlie and ask her what the hell she was playing at.

  
Charlie looked a little freaked when she caught sight of Dean making his way over to her after he performed his last song. The final note had barely stopped ringing through the room before he was stepping off the raised platform and making a beeline to where she had been watching. 

She was visibly upset but still tried to pass off a little smile at Dean as she reached out to hug him.

“You did so great, Dean! Your songs are always so beautiful and full of life and feeling. Judging by the way the crowd reacted, I’d say they were impressed, too.”

“Charlie, stop. What happened with Cas? Did he not know I was coming? Why didn’t you tell me he was going to be here? Why didn’t you tell either of us?”

“Well… okay, honestly I didn’t think you’d mind seeing him. And with Cas, I just thought it would be better if he didn’t have the chance to freak out about it and get inside his own head. I figured he’d be fine once he got over the initial shock. All that stuff happened so long ago, and you’re both in such different places in your lives now.” She glanced back towards the door. “But, Dean, I really can’t get into this. I’m worried about Cas and the way he just took off like that. I haven’t seen him get so worked up over something in… I don’t know. A long time. Fuck, I feel like such a dick.”

“Okay, but for future reference, exes - especially ones who don’t talk anymore - normally like to know if there’s a chance they might bump into each other. You honestly can’t be that shocked by Cas’ reaction! If you thought he’d be okay with seeing me, you’d have told him! You know you would have.” He ran his hand through his hair and groused a little in frustration.

“You’re right. I get it, and I’m sorry. This is a disaster and I really should have seen it coming. But... I have to go find him, Dean. I’m really sorry to leave you like this, but please stay and have a drink or whatever. I’ll see you later?”

“Sure. Later, Charlie.”

**Castiel**

Charlie found Cas perched on a wall outside the library down the road. His feet were crossed at the ankles, his hands were resting on the wall behind him, and he was staring up at the cloudless sky.

“Don’t even, Char. I can’t deal with this right now, and I don’t want to talk about it,” Cas said firmly, but with slight tremor to his voice.

Charlie sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 

“Okay, I’m not going to ask anything, but is it okay if I sit with you for a while? Just until you feel ready to talk or want to leave or whatever?”

Cas grunted in what appeared to be an agreeable way, so Charlie rested her head against him and sat with him in silence.

  
Nearly forty minutes went by before Cas cleared his throat and began to speak.

“I loved him, you know. I loved him so much, Charlie. He’d only have to smile and I felt like nothing could ever go wrong in the universe. Even the way he said my name made my heart race, and it never occurred to me that there was a chance I could lose him. The thought just— it never entered my mind. He understood me better than anyone, and he taught me things about myself and about love that I never even knew I needed to learn. I would have actual daydreams about waking up in his arms for the rest of my life. I would think about slow-dancing in the kitchen in the middle of the night rather than going out to clubs, and it being perfect because we were together. He was everything to me, Charlie. He was my home.” Cas twisted his fingers in his lap and swallowed hard, trying to keep his emotions in check. “Walking away from him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, even if I count dealing with the aftermath of the accident and taking Jacob on. It just never even compared to what it felt like to walk away from him the way I did.” Tears started to spill and run unchecked down Cas’ cheeks. “I just- I never…” He paused to regain control of his voice, ignoring the tightening in his chest that was seven years of unexpressed hurt.

“Charlie, I can’t handle seeing him. I can’t do it. I know everyone thinks I’m fine but… I don’t – I haven’t ever -” Cas held back a sob and pressed his palms to cover his face. “When I saw his face, it was like I was right back there, breaking both of our hearts.”

He finished his speech and turned to face Charlie, his eyes imploring her to understand.

“I know, sweetheart. I do. I can’t even imagine having to make the choice you did, and gods, Cas! Do you have any idea how strong you are? But you have _got_ to talk to me. I had absolutely no idea that you were still hurting so badly. Do you really think I would ever have put you in the situation I did tonight if I had even the slightest idea of how you were still feeling? I love you, dude. I wouldn’t fuck with you like that.”

Cas shook his head and looked toward the ground.

“I can’t talk about it. I can’t let those emotions get to the surface. If I seem like I’m not coping, I could lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. If Jacob ever found out the choice I made, or that I didn’t recover from it, he could think I blame him for how trashed I am inside. Or he could blame himself for it. I honestly don’t know which is worse, but I do know that he doesn’t deserve that kind of baggage. I chose him. It was the right thing to do. That’s the end of it.”

“Did you ever think about getting back in touch with Dean? Like, maybe after the probationary period was over and the court order was finalized?”

“Every day. Every single day. But I hurt him so badly, Charlie. You didn’t see him that night. You didn’t see the way he crumpled. It was written over every inch of his face. There’s no way he would have forgiven me, and I couldn’t risk a heartbreak that might put me into a spiral. I still had social workers visiting me once every three months until Jacob turned about fourteen. Even now they still check in on occasion through his school, for fuck’s sake. What if I became viewed as being emotionally unstable and I lost him? What if he lost me after everything else he’s already lost? Plus, what if Dean and I had gotten back together and then broken up? Losing him once was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do... I don’t think I could survive losing him again. And of course if Jacob bonded with him and then our relationship failed, that could've ended up hurting Jacob too. It was all too much. The thoughts used to chase each other around my brain until the early hours of the morning, each one twisting and turning until every single option felt like too big of a risk.”

“All right, I get it. Jacob comes first and always will.” She said, looking at Cas with love and sympathy in her eyes. “Damn, you really did right by that kid,” Charlie stated. “Who’s watching him tonight?”

“Meg was going to be with him, but he got invited to a sleepover at his friend Jack’s house. He loves it there. Pretty sure it has something to do with how good Jack is at Minecraft and his willingness to play it until their eyes bleed,” Cas chuckled, his voice shaky after crying so much.

“I love how sociable that boy is. I’ve never seen someone with so much sunshine in their smile. Ya know, it _has_ been a while, so I’m gonna have to come get my Jacob fix sometime soon. Do you think he’d like to kick my ass at Rocket League in the near future?”

“Absolutely. You know what he’s like. Any excuse to get his hands on a controller.”

“He’s such a little star.” Charlie said with a grin. Then her face took on a more serious expression. “Hey, Cas? Can I ask you one more question?”

“Sure,” Cas responded after a beat, warily and with minor trepidation.

“Does Dean know about why you really broke up with him? Does he know about Jacob and how he came into your life? I mean, I always assumed he knew, but the way the two of you were tonight and the way you’ve been speaking… I’m kind of getting the impression that I assumed wrong.”

Cas looked down at his hands and started picking at a piece of skin on his index finger, the truth evident on his face.

“No. He doesn’t. I know Dean well enough to know that he would have fought for us. He would have said that it didn’t change how he felt about me, that we could raise Jacob together, that he would stay away but wait for me until the two years were up and I could be in a relationship without risking residence. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t ask that of him and telling him the truth was as good as asking him, because he’d have done it without hesitation.” Cas took a deep breath, his face twisting into an expression of regret and self-loathing. “I uhh- I kind of told him that I didn’t want him at all. He asked me if I just didn’t want to be tied down while I was getting my art degree, or if I thought he would be a distraction. He thought I was trying to get space because I was 21 and only just starting college and wanted to take it as seriously as I could. But I needed him to back down, not fight, and not ask questions... so I told him that it wasn’t that I didn’t want a boyfriend, it was that I specifically didn’t want _him_ as my boyfriend. I actually shouted it at him,” Cas finished. The look on his face continued to betray the remorse he felt over the reprehensible act he had committed in his efforts to do what was right in an impossible situation. 

He finally turned to look at Charlie and was surprised to see that she had a few tears running down her face, too.

“Cas. You have to tell him. You can't let him go on thinking that you rejected him like that! It doesn't matter how long it's been, you have to tell him everything. He deserves to know the truth, he deserves to know that someone he loved and trusted didn't just one day wake up not in love with him anymore. That really fucks a person up. None of that is fair on him. You made a choice for him that deeply affected his life, and honestly I’m a little pissed because that wasn’t your choice to make. He deserves to know.”

Cas stood up and put his hands in his pocket. He turned his entire body to face Charlie, and after a few moments of looking at her in silence, he simply nodded.  
“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly cannot wait for y'all to meet Jacob. He's pretty damn awesome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Dean finally have a catch up

Dean awoke in his hotel room after a restless night’s sleep. Images from the previous night had wormed their way into his dreams, and the clearest of those images was the haunted look on Cas’s face before he had turned and left the bar. His mind’s fixation on that look was bothering Dean. He wasn’t the one who walked away. He wasn’t the one who broke what they had; that had been all Cas… so why the hell was Cas the one who couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him? Why did he feel so much hurt seeing Cas looking – for lack of a more fitting word - distraught? 

He tried to force all these thoughts out of his mind, deciding right then and there that he wouldn’t think about Cas for the rest of the day, his resolve lasting all of seventeen minutes before he grabbed his phone from the nightstand and threw a text at Charlie. 

Dean: _Hey Charlie, just wanted to make sure everything was okay last night? I’m probably heading back to California today so I also wanted to say goodbye._

While he waited for a response, he went about getting himself washed and dressed for the day. He even made a cup of coffee, which he usually refused to do in hotel rooms. After one sip, he remembered exactly why he didn’t. Jeez, that freeze-dried instant crap was disgusting. First item on today’s agenda was definitely going to be finding a decent cup of coffee.  
His phone buzzed with Charlie’s response. 

Charlie: **Good morning, Sunshine! Yes, I found him and I think things are okay. It’s sweet that you’re checking up on him though.**

Charlie: **Could we please meet up for coffee or lunch before you leave? I’ve missed you, Dean. I’ve heard from you all of four times in the last seven years, and that heckin’ sucks! Even just half an hour?**

Dean: _I was actually just about to go hunting for decent coffee if you’re free right now? The stuff in my hotel room is completely undrinkable._

Charlie: **Absolutely! There’s a place called Beanz on the same street as the bar and they do some pretty good food too if you’re hungry. Wanna meet me there in like 20?**

Dean: _Sounds fucking perfect. I’ll see you in a bit._

Dean packed up his stuff, tossed his bags into the trunk of the car, then placed his guitar carefully on the back seat. He then headed straight on over to the coffee shop. It was a pretty short drive but somehow Charlie was already inside and had claimed a table for them. She waved him on over.

“I already ordered drinks. Figured you’d still be a strong black coffee kinda guy,” Charlie said with a grin that didn’t quite make it to her eyes.

“Oh, I absolutely am. Thanks, I need it. I can’t even tell you how awful the coffee I tried drinking this morning was. I’m not convinced they weren’t trying to poison me if I’m being honest.”

“You’re still such a drama queen,” she teased. “Biggest diva I’ve ever known, and I’m sure being a minor celebrity hasn’t exactly put a stop to that!”

“Hey! I’m not that bad, I just like what I like,” he responded with a shrug. 

A waitress appeared with their drinks. Dean made sure to be as dramatic as fuck as he tasted the coffee. Sighing as though in complete bliss, and holding the mug with both hands like it was the most precious thing he’d ever held. Charlie snorted at his theatrics. 

“I don’t know if you made the right career choice, Dean. Sure, hell of a singer, but hot fucking damn, the boy can act, too!”

Dean rolled his eyes at her words, but inside he was thankful that even after all these years, being with Charlie was easy. He hadn’t really allowed himself to miss anyone from his hometown after he left. He visited his brother a lot when he wasn’t on tour, but other than that he hadn’t kept in touch with anyone. The fear of accidentally finding out something about Cas that would hurt him was enough to keep him away from all of them, and it was enough of a reason to convince himself that missing anyone from back here was dangerous. In this moment, sitting here with the girl who had been his best friend once upon a time, he realized that he had missed her terribly. 

“So,” said Dean, watching carefully for Charlie’s reaction. “Are you going to tell me why you look like you got even less sleep than I did if everything was really okay last night?”

“Dean,” she sighed. “It’s not my place to go into any of that. I really do think it’s sweet that you want to check up on him and make sure he was all right after he left last night, but other than telling you that he’s safe… I just can’t say more than that.”

“I get it, Charlie. You don’t have to say anything you’re not comfortable saying. To be honest I’m more confused than anything, but that’s not really anything new when it comes to Cas. I get why seeing me after so long might have struck a nerve with him, but I don’t understand why he looked so upset. It’s been seven years and he left me. I just- I keep seeing his face in my mind. Even after all this time and everything he put me through, seeing him distressed like that? It hurt.”

“Of course it did, Dean. You loved him. He was your first love and it ended badly. It’s okay that it shook you, and it’s okay that you still have some empathy for him when you see him unsettled. Kinda shows what a big, soft heart you have,” she said with a kind smile. 

“I guess. Just wish I understood things.” He shook his head lightly. “Anyways, enough about him. How are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m pretty great as it goes. I love my bar, I love my friends, and I have a great girlfriend. Gotta say though, I have missed your obnoxious ass, even if you did hurt me pretty heckin’ badly. I was angry with you for a really long time, and it wasn’t until I started hearing your songs and seeing how much pain you were in that I was able to forgive you. Like, I get that it was Cas you were running from after he cut you so deep, but it wasn’t just him that you left behind, ya know?”

“I didn’t- I,” he stuttered. “Charlie, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else. I just wasn’t. I know that sounds bad and selfish, but it’s the truth. I didn’t even know where I was going at first. Took me three days of driving around aimlessly and sleeping in the back of my car before I realized I was heading towards Sam. I mean, I wasn’t at first, it really was aimless, but then on the third day I hit Nevada and was like, oh, guess I’m going to California.” Dean looked at Charlie and saw that she genuinely didn’t look angry. 

“Sweetheart, I know. It wasn’t about us. You were doing what you needed to do to survive at the time, and I can’t hold that against you,” she said sincerely. “How is Sam doing these days? Did he ever marry that girl? The super-hot one from San Francisco?”

“Wait, you know about Rowena? Yeah, they got married last year. It was a really great day, even if the ceremony was held in the woods and Rowena insisted on casting some eternal love spell as part of it,” he rolled his eyes at that. “They’re happy. I go visit as much as touring allows me to. I have an apartment in the Bay so I’m close to them when I go home, but I don’t get to spend as much time there as I’d like.”

“Yes, I know about Rowena. Sam and I don’t talk much anymore but he still checks in once a year or so. Unlike _some_ people.” She threw an exaggerated glare at Dean so that he would know she was ribbing.

They sat there talking for way longer than the half an hour that Dean had originally agreed to. They ended up ordering lunch, and it was right around their fourth cup of coffee that Charlie asked Dean if he really had to take off today, or if he could stick around for a while so they could spend some more time together, and so that Charlie could introduce him to Dorothy. 

“I mean, there’s nothing exactly pulling me away right now. I have the next few weeks off from touring so I could focus on writing. I find I don’t write as well if I’m exhausted from being on the road, funnily enough. I could stay a little while longer. Maybe even write a little while I’m here.”

“Yay! Oh my god, I’m so excited right now! You get to meet my love, and I get to introduce her to the only boy who ever broke my heart!”

“Well, when you put it like that, I don’t think I will stay,” he says, laughter shaking through him. “I’m not looking to get punched in the face my first week back in town!”

“I know how you could make it up to me,” she says with a slight sing-song lilt to her voice.

“Oh yeah? How’s that?” Dean asks, humouring her.

“You could play at the bar again on Friday night? Please? You were so great, and I got incredible feedback about you. Plus, you made a few people cry and that made them buy more drinks. It’s good for business.”

“I thought it was good for business to make customers _happy_ , not to have them in floods of tears.” 

Charlie playfully smacked his arm. “Dammit, Dean! You haven’t changed at all, have you? Just as irritating as ever.”

“And you’re just as easy to annoy as ever,” he retorted. Then he smiled at her, his eyes going soft. “I’ve missed you, kiddo.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve missed you, too. So, what do you think? Wanna play another night for me?” She said while batting her eyelashes in an over-the-top way.

“I don’t know, Charlie. I don’t want to be shoving myself into Cas’s space, and I don’t want to feel like I can’t relax in case I bump into him again, or like- cause him to run off again…” he trails off, his face turning serious. “I will do it, but only if Cas isn’t going to be there. I know that’s a dick move because it’s his place of work, but it’s the only way I’ll feel comfortable enough to perform. I was really not at my best last night and regardless of whatever feedback you got, I know my performance was shit.” He took a deep breath. “That’s my only condition though. If Cas isn’t going to be there, I will stick around for another week and come play for you again on Friday.”

“I’ll give Cas the night off.” She waves her hand in front of her face. “It’ll be fine, really. Ah, I’m so excited!” Charlie was beaming and Dean couldn’t help but grin right back at her. 

“I can’t promise that I’ll stick around after the gig, but I promise with all my heart that I will not leave without saying goodbye this time.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like Jacob as much as I do :)

“I want yellow! I love Danny Gruff and yellow,” Jacob announced stubbornly with a frown on his face.

“I know you do, but you can’t wear it to school, Jacob. You know this. You have a uniform and you have to wear that, it’s the rules.” Cas was starting to get slightly frustrated. They were already running late because he’d overslept, having finally fallen asleep at around 3 o’clock in the morning and even then he kept waking up from how vivid his dreams were. Jacob didn’t often have tantrums but he sure as hell knew how to demonstrate how pissed off he was at any given moment. His stubbornness and refusal to give up was something Cas often admired, you know, when it wasn’t directed at ignoring his instructions.

“Don’t like rules. I like Danny Gruff.” Jacob sank onto the sofa with his arms crossed and a defiant pout on his lips. He stroked over the lettering of Danny Gruff’s name on the bright yellow shirt he was wearing. He’d worn the shirt to bed last night and Cas figures he should have been suspicious when Jacob was _so_ careful about not spilling his breakfast on it. At the time he’d thought Jacob was just protecting a shirt he loved, but clearly the teen had other ideas.

“I promise, we can listen to as much Danny Gruff as you want once you get home from school, but for right now you really need to put your uniform on. Your bus is going to be here within the next ten minutes.” Cas knew they were going in circles and couldn’t see a way out of it. His brain wasn’t performing at full capacity thanks to the lack of sleep. He wouldn’t be surprised if Jacob’s head suddenly turned into a giant coffee cup with how badly he was craving caffeine to give him a little boost. He’d woken up with barely enough time to grab a cup as it was, and that was _before_ this whole unending conversation about Jacob’s favorite singer and respective merch. Now he was going to have to wait until after the bus came before he could finally sit down for breakfast and take care of his own needs. Such is the life of a parent, biological or otherwise.

“Nope. Danny Gruff shirt. I want to show my friends! My friends don’t know him, so I can show them his songs!”

Thinking that it would be completely fruitless to point out the fact that at school he would have no way of playing any of the songs for his friends, Cas kept quiet about it. Jacob wasn’t a fan of logic that didn’t fit his desires.

Cas glanced down at his watch. “Look, I’ve laid out your entire uniform. You don’t even have to get it out yourself. All you have to do is put your clothes on so that you can go to school. Now, get dressed and I don’t want to hear another word out of you until you are completely ready for school,” Cas said with finality. He briefly wondered if he should tweet the singer to tell him of the bizarre, nonsensical drama that was the result of the young Danny fan’s obsession. Realizing that he didn’t have Twitter and that Danny Gruff would likely not find his situation even remotely interesting, he pushed the thought aside and went back into battle.

***

After he waved goodbye to Jacob and the front door closed, Cas sat down at the breakfast table and pressed his head to the surface in a mixture of exasperation and a fair amount of guilt for not being the most responsible adult earlier. Laughing at something he should probably have been chiding Jacob for wasn’t sitting with him well, but he couldn’t help it. That child was about 96% sarcasm and sass, and honestly at times he was just so cute while being an absolute little shit that Cas wasn’t capable of doing anything more than chuckle. To be fair, he had at least left the room before breaking down into silent laughter.

He picked his head up off the table and fixed himself breakfast. As he ate, he stressed more and more about whether he was setting a good example to Jacob. He needed that example much more than other boys his age, and Cas was sure he was falling short of this responsibility. He realized he was doing that thing where he beats himself up over things that pretty much anyone in his situation would do, so he did what he always did when he was getting too deep into his own head about everything. He decided to call Charlie.  
He shot her a quick text to ask her if it was an okay time to call her because he needed to vent to someone about how absolutely outrageous Jacob had been this morning.

Charlie: **Uh-oh. Am I going to laugh, or should I just bring over a bottle of wine so we can start day-drinking?**

Cas: _I’m fairly sure you’ll want to laugh because I certainly did. But I probably shouldn’t have and now I’m questioning everything I’ve ever said to him_

**Charlie: **I will try to reel it in then, just don’t be upset if I can’t because it’s not my fault that Jacob is a comedic Einstein without even trying. I’m just finishing my breakfast, call me in five****

Cas washed up the plates and bowls from his and Jacob’s breakfast while giving Charlie time to finish eating hers. He gave her ten minutes just to make sure she’d had enough time, then he hit dial.

“So, what did His Excellency do this morning?”

“I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, Charlie,” he bursts as soon as she’s done with greeting him. “He was upset with me because I wouldn’t let him wear that Danny Gruff shirt to school, which of course, in Jacob’s opinion, was the meanest thing in the entire universe. He was arguing back and forth, we were running late because I’d overslept, and I snapped a little and told him I didn’t want to hear another word out of him until he was ready for school. And this ridiculous kid, he starts _signing_ snark at me!” Cas exclaims while pacing the living room, one hand twisted into his hair in exasperation. He had eventually managed to convince Jacob to get dressed, but not before he’d stunned Cas into silence with his cheek, quickly followed by Cas abruptly leaving the room so he could laugh without Jacob seeing and thinking it would be funny to carry on being stubbornly defiant.

Cas could hear her dissolve into a fit of cackles. She couldn’t talk for what felt like ages, which actually made Cas feel a lot better about his own laughter earlier. Clearly this was just a situation where laughing was the only response, and with the guilt removed, Cas allowed himself to smile.

“Well, technically you didn’t _hear_ another word out of him,” Charlie said, barely able to construct a sentence through her laughter. “You’ve gotta give the kid credit, that was a pretty genius move. Definitely worthy of wearing his chosen shirt to school,” she teased.

“I swear to God, Charlie, if you take his side right now, I think I might start pulling out my hair.”

“Okay, okay. Genius move, and I’m sure you’ll see the funny side of it even more later, but I shall try to contain myself.” She said in a faux-solemn voice. “You sound like you could use a break and some adult company that doesn’t consist of just work chat. Are you guys free tonight? I could come over and make dinner with Jacob, maybe even see if I can convince him to do his homework or something? Then you and I can be grown-ups once he’s in bed. Watch a movie with some wine and discuss adult things like taxes and Star Wars.”  
“I always knew you were a good human underneath it all,” Cas sighs in relief.

“Hey! Watch who you’re calling human there, nerd,” she grumbled.

“You’re definitely human. You’re even under the ‘people’ section in Jacob’s new PODD book.”

“What’s a PODD book?”

“It’s a communication tool used for people who are struggling to talk to people for whatever reason. Jacob has one because he’s difficult for people to understand unless you know him really well, so it’s to help him get his thoughts and needs across to people who don’t know him, or don’t spend a lot of time around him. People who aren’t as familiar with his speech patterns and don’t know sign. Other people might use it if they’re completely non-verbal or something like that. It’s really cool, actually. It has tons of pages and each section is color coded and is a different part of a sentence with pictures or symbols next to the words. Important people in his life have their own little cartoon version of themselves next to their name. Basically, he points to the word or symbol, turns to a different page and then points to another word or symbol until his sentence is complete. It has all his favorite foods, places, and activities too.”

“And I’m in there?”

“Of course, you are. You’re special to him, Charlie.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’m getting all misty eyed over here! I love that boy so damn much!” Her voice did sound a bit thick as she said the last part. “He melts my heart, Cas.”  
“Don’t go getting too soppy on me, he had them put Nula in there too.”

“Your neighbor’s dog? That Nula?”

“The one and only,” Cas chuckles.

They laugh together for a moment, and Cas is once again struck by thankfulness toward his best friend for always being there when he is having some kind of panic. He has a tendency to panic, so it’s happened a lot and she’s never once made him feel like a burden to her. He thanks her for reassuring him that it’s okay to laugh sometimes, says he’s looking forward to seeing her later, and gets off the phone.

The rest of the day is spent with him running errands and doing household chores. That’s all fine, it keeps his mind busy. It’s not until he sits down to start on an art commission that his mind finally wanders to Dean and he’s forced to remember exactly why he couldn’t fall asleep last night and exactly what his dreams had been about.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas threw on some clothes after his shower, marvelling at Jacob’s ability to cover him in French toast batter even when Cas was sitting five feet away. He should probably at least be relieved that none of the mess made it onto the drawing he was working on, but seriously, Jacob? The hair? Did it have to go in the hair?

He walked down the hallway and back into the kitchen, a towel still being rubbed against his head trying to dry his hair off enough that it didn’t drip all over everything. He could hear Charlie’s words of encouragement and the musical sound of Jacob laughing with glee.

“That’s right, Jacob! Now flip it over to the other side, make sure that side has just as much batter on it, then toss it in the pan!” Charlie says, with pride evident in every word she uttered.

“It’s on my fingers!” Jacob giggles, holding his hand in the air. That’s when Cas realized that Charlie has her phone out and had been recording a video.

“Ahh, are we making another episode of ‘Cooking with Jacob’ this evening?” Cas asks.

“We sure are,” Charlie confirms. “You know he has a loyal fan club of like ten people now. Which is pretty impressive when you consider that we don’t post online or anything. Can’t let them go on waiting forever, can we?”

Jacob screwed up his face in concentration as he slowly and carefully picked up the sopping wet bread and transferred it to the pan. “Look, Cas! I did it this time! No splashes!” His face was lit with an ecstatic glow, and Cas’s heart melted a little. All annoyance from having to take a second shower today instantly dissolved. Jacob had to work a hell of a lot harder to reach his goals and learn new things, so when he succeeded there was so much more to celebrate. Learning to cook French toast was absolutely fantastic, and despite his teasing he was really pleased that Charlie had caught the whole thing on video. She continued to film him until the entire stack of bread had been transformed into the finished product. It looked a little messy, and some bits were more cooked than others, but Jacob made the entire thing himself with only minimal adult input.

“Jacob, this is really good,” Cas said after swallowing his first bite. “Making dinner for everyone was such a lovely thing to do. Taking care of your family and friends is a wonderful way to show them that you care about them. Thank you very much.”

“Putting it in the pan is hard. I did it too quickly the first time, but Charlie is really clever and showed me how to do it properly. You were in the shower. She’s so smart,” he proclaimed.

“You two make a good team. Do you have any plans for after dinner?” Cas asked.

“Homework. I have a new book from the library at school! Elephant and Piggy book!”

“Would you like me to read it with you and help you with any words you get stuck on?” Charlie asked Jacob.

“Yes!” Jacob exclaimed. “Then we play Minecraft? I like Minecraft. Minecraft has zombies.”

“Absolutely, we can. You can show me how much further you’ve gotten with making all of those giant statues of everyone.”

“Yes!” Jacob repeated, nearly shouting this time. He tucked back into his food and had to be reminded to slow down while he was eating so that he didn’t choke.

***

Charlie and Jacob were both sat cross-legged on the floor with a tray between them holding snacks and drinks. The reading for school was long since done, and Charlie had written the word’s that Jacob struggled with into his reading record booklet. Jacob was now talking Charlie through all the things he’d created in this world, including the statues.

“That’s you. That’s my Charlie. Charlie has red hair. I like Charlie, she’s cool.” Jacob was pointing to the Charlie statue’s hair and the black t-shirt with a happy face on it. It was pretty well done as it goes, and Charlie was asking him questions about the other statues. They decided that they would build some animal statues, and the first one was going to be Cas and Jacob’s pet cat, Gabriel.

They worked on their project for about twenty minutes before it was done, and they had just started discussing what the next thing should be when the first signs of Jacob getting frustrated began to hit. He was repeating the same word over and over, getting more and more worked up when Charlie couldn’t understand what he was saying. He tried signing the word to her, but Charlie wasn’t familiar with the sign he was using.

Cas waited. He would step in if Jacob seemed like he was in danger of having a meltdown or becoming overstimulated, but he knew he had to give Jacob the chance to remember what his new system was. Jacob picked up the controller for a second, then something clicked in his mind and he set it straight back down. He disappeared from the room for a few moments and came back with a chunky book in his hands.

Charlie glanced at Cas and then back to Jacob and his book.  
Jacob opened the book to a page near the beginning and pointed at the word “I” before flipping a few more pages over. Charlie caught on immediately and said “I” out loud. The next word Jacob pointed at was “want,” and again Charlie said the word. By the time Jacob got to the section on activities and places, he almost had a full sentence created. When he pointed at the last word, Charlie grinned at him.

“You want your character to build an aquarium?” She asked. “Should we build a big pool made of glass and put some fish and the squid in it?”

“Yes, please!” Jacob enthused.

“Cas! Look, PODD book helps! It’s good!”

“It did help, Jacob. You used it perfectly. Well done! I’ll be sure to tell your teachers how brilliantly you did,” Cas beamed.

Once they had built the aquarium, Charlie asked Jacob to show her more of his PODD book and he patiently showed her each and every page while she listened to him with rapt attention. Charlie always took everything Jacob said very seriously. The things he talked about might seem like little things to other people but she knew that to Jacob, those little things _were_ the big things, and that made those things big to her, too.

When he got to the section with all the important people in his life, Cas watched her subtly try to wipe a tear from her face without Jacob noticing. He pointed to Charlie’s cartoon icon in the book and said her name, then he did the same thing with Cas. Charlie grinned at him and asked what the next section was for, so Jacob flipped the page to the section labelled _Characters._

Before Charlie even had a chance to look through which characters had made the cut, Jacob enthusiastically pointed to the picture of Spider-Man and said “that’s me!”

“Oh, are you Spider-Man now? Do you think you could save me from falling if I tripped over?”

“Yes! I show you,” Jacob announced before swiftly leaving the room. He came back a few minutes later dressed in his Spider-Man costume, jumping and landing at Charlie’s feet.

“Oh, WOW!” Charlie burst out. “That is the best costume I have ever seen, and you are _so_ handsome!”

“And smart,” Jacob added.

“And smart,” Charlie agreed.

“And hairy,” Jacob said through giggles, pulling the costume aside and proudly showing Charlie the wispy hairs that had started to grow on his armpit.

That was the last that Charlie was able to speak for several minutes. Her fit of laughter was so strong that at one point it genuinely occurred to Cas that he should offer her an inhaler, or maybe suggest that she goes to the bathroom.

Cas, however, was desperately trying to keep a straight face while he attempted to explain to Jacob that it probably wasn’t the greatest idea to go around showing his pits to people. It’s okay to be proud of your body and to love the things on it, but not everyone in life is going to want to have a hairy armpit in their face, no matter how cute the person who owns the armpit is.

Jacob rolled his eyes at the adults, looking back and forth between them. Charlie, though still breathless, had just managed to sit upright on the floor instead of being curled up and face down on it. Cas was bright red in the face from the strain of not laughing. Shaking his head at them as though they were being absolutely ridiculous (which, okay, maybe they were a little, but dammit that kid was so funny sometimes!), he declared that he was going to go get ready for bed and promptly left the room.

“Holy fuck, Cas!” Charlie gasped out once the living room door was closed. “I was legitimately concerned that I was about to die just then! He heckin’ well knows how funny he is, and he wields it like a damn weapon!”

“Tell me about it!” Cas bursts between the laughter that he felt better about letting out now that Jacob had left the room. “Do you see the issue? It happens so often. I should be giving him advice or trying to set a good example, and then he comes out with something like that and I’m reduced to a mess just from the effort of not laughing!”

“Yep, I totally understand and I’m telling you, Cas, you gotta stop beating yourself up for laughing. He’s getting older and his sense of humor is developing more each day. It’s okay for you to let him know that you find him funny. As long as he’s not causing himself or anyone else any harm, I don’t see the issue with it. You explained that it’s probably not the best idea to do it to people outside of his friends and family, and he acknowledged you. Seriously, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Let the boy hear you giggle!”

“Ah, you’re probably right. It’s definitely better than giving myself a hernia from trying to keep the laughter inside,” Cas relented. “Honestly though, I can’t believe how grown up he’s getting.”

“I know,” Charlie agreed. “I swear it was just yesterday he was this tiny eight-year-old who insisted on sleeping nude and never allowed a door to be open for longer than the time it took someone to walk through it. Now look at him.” She let out a contented sigh. “What are the plans for his 16th birthday, anyways?”

“He still insists on sleeping nude most of the time. We’ve come to a compromise that he has to at least wear boxers, and he has to put a t-shirt on before he leaves his room in the morning.” Cas said in exasperation. “And as for his birthday, I haven’t actually gotten that far yet,” he says, scratching at the back of his neck. “I want to do something really special for him and have a celebration with everyone he loves, but it wasn’t all that long ago that he had his Bar Mitzvah. As much as he loved being the center of attention during the service, the actual party itself was really overwhelming for him. There were just too many people around. I’m sure you remember how he was feeling by the end of the day. He just wanted to go home and listen to music. I just worry that it will be much the same now.”

“I remember,” Charlie said, a hint of a smile tugged at her lips.

“What’s funny?” Cas asked.

“I just still can’t believe he dabbed right next to the Rabbi as soon as his part of the service was over!” Charlie doubled over, cackling again.

“Oh, God. Thanks for the reminder, Charlie! I had successfully wiped that part of the day out of my brain.”

“Good luck with that, I have photographic evidence _and_ I got it on video,” she said with a smirk. “How about having a short party for him at the bar? We could shut it down to the public for a night and have a buffet style meal with cake, balloons, and pizza. If we keep it to a couple of hours, hopefully it won’t drag on so much for him and he won’t get overstimulated or burnt-out. I could even see who’s around so we can have someone perform live music seeing as Jacob loves it so much. And if at any point he does get overwhelmed, we can have his PlayStation set up in my office with his ear defenders on standby.”

“Charlie, that’s such a great idea! Thank you, really. He’s going to be so thrilled.”

“Speaking of live music acts… Dean is going to be playing at the bar again on Friday night.” She eyed him cautiously as she spoke. “I think it’s probably best if you take the night off.”

“Oh,” Cas said, stunned. He rubbed his hand down his face, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times like he was trying to find the right way to word what he wanted to say. “Is that because you think it’s better for me and my mental state to not see him, or has he requested that I not be there?”

She smiled at him sympathetically and reaches out to grasp his hand.

“I’m so sorry, Cas.”


	6. Chapter 6

The week passed faster than expected for Dean, and before he knew it he was back in Charlie’s bar preparing for his second gig. He’d had a couple of hang out sessions with Charlie, and he’d even had the chance to meet her girlfriend. They were so adorable together that Dean had to deliberately avoid looking at them while they were watching Firefly because the pangs of his own loneliness were hard to ignore when surrounded by that kind of love. He was happy for his friend, but it definitely served as a reminder that Dean hadn’t had a serious relationship since Cas, and he hadn’t even really had anyone he could consider a fling in all that time either. There was nobody who sparked in his heart the way his first love had, and if he was honest with himself, he was terrified that he was just inherently unlovable. If someone who loved him as much as Cas did could fall out of love with him over night, then what chances did he have with the rest of the world?  
Putting his energy to where he felt it belonged, he went onstage and played his heart out. He performed songs that he hadn’t played live in years, but that felt fitting due to all the emotions that were bubbling up inside. Charlie would catch his eye occasionally, and it helped keep him grounded while he sang. 

_You said one day I would celebrate  
The day I fell in love with you  
So I told you, you should grieve the night  
And mourn the stars above_

He could feel the rush of emotions as his own words from the past came to meet him in song. Tears pricked his eyes, but he kept on going. His eyes glancing around the room, searching. 

_So I'll leave matches in our hotel room  
I hope to burn away the sight of you  
And as the sun sets over Hollywood  
I have nothing else to do_

And for a moment, Dean wondered, as he had done many times over the years, if he meant that. Did he still wish he could burn away the sight of Cas? To burn away the memories of the time they had together? It would be easier to live with and he had definitely wanted that in the past, sure, but is that what he genuinely wanted now? Dean didn’t know.  
His eyes continued to search around the room, and it was only as he sang the line “ _you’re the only home I’ve ever known_ ” from a song near the end of his set that it hit him he was looking for Cas. He knew Cas wouldn’t be there, he had made sure of that when he told Charlie he wouldn’t play unless that was the case, but he couldn’t help the twinges of disappointment that filled him when he couldn’t see those brighter-than-the-sky blue eyes staring back at him from the crowd. 

After his set is finished, he sat down at a table near the back of the bar to have a few drinks. He’s on his third glass of whiskey when the constant interruptions of people wanting to talk about his music started to grate on his nerves. He knew he had to be polite to them, but he also knew that he had a bottle of whiskey back at his hotel room. 

Having drained the rest of his drink, he put his empty glass on the bar and headed off to find Charlie to say goodnight. He found her talking to the man who had introduced Dean to the audience both nights he had played there. Dean was pretty sure the guy’s name was Benny but didn’t want to make an ass of himself if he got it wrong, so just reached out to shake his hand, then pulled Charlie into a tight hug. 

“Hey kiddo, I gotta take off. I’m tired and to be honest I’m feeling a little emotionally exposed right now. Is it cool for me to leave my car here and grab it in the morning? I think I’ve had one too many to drive so I’m going to just walk back to the hotel.”

“Oh, Dean, are you okay? Want me to walk with you?”

“Nah, I’m fine really, I promise. I often get like this after a show. Big emotional songs, y’know? It’s nothing a walk and a good night’s sleep can’t fix,” he reassured her. 

“Okay. Well, thank you so much for tonight. You were amazing as always! I’ll speak to you soon,” she said with a smile. 

He waved to her as he backed up toward the door, then he turned and stepped out into the cool night air. It really was a beautiful night. Cold, but not too cold, and hardly any clouds so the stars were in view for Dean to admire as he walked.  
He thought to himself about his week back in his old town and couldn’t help wondering if leaving this place all those years ago had actually been the best idea. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy his life, because he did. Being paid to do something you truly love and that brings you so much joy while being an incredible outlet for your emotions wasn’t something that many people got to do, and Dean was grateful for it. There was just something soothing about being back here that called out to Dean’s soul.  
A voice broke through the silence of the night around him. It wasn’t loud, but it was unexpected enough to startle, and it sounded quite familiar. 

“Gabriel? Where are you?” The voice asked.

Dean carried on walking, the voice growing louder as he continued down the street. 

“Here, boy! Come on, we’ve got to get back inside. It’s cold out here and I have treats waiting for you. Don’t you want some treats?” 

Dean froze. He would know that voice anywhere. _Jeez. The universe fucking hates me, doesn’t it?_ Dean thought to himself.

He couldn’t very well just keep standing here, and he was too close to the hotel to want to go back for his car or to call a taxi. Plus, it sounded like Cas was looking for some kind of animal, so he didn’t really have the option of just standing here and waiting for Cas to go inside. It was likely that Cas would come this direction in his search for the animal, anyway. Defeated by his own logic, Dean took a deep breath and kept on walking. 

As he got closer, he saw Cas crouched next to a bush. On the other side of the driveway from where Cas was bending over, a very visible “Novak” was painted on the mailbox. 

“Hey, Cas.” 

Cas jumped up in surprise and then stood opening and closing his mouth for a few moments. 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said, confusion perceptible on his face. “What- what are you doing here?”

“I uhh- I was heading back to my hotel after my gig at Charlie’s tonight.” Dean said, his cheeks flushing. He knew that Cas would have been informed of his request that he not be there this evening and he felt a little embarrassed. 

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, awkwardly. “Is everything okay? Do you need help or something?”

“My cat appears to have eaten his way through the window screen and gone on an adventure outside. He’s an indoor cat so I want to find him quickly. I’m okay though, I’m sure he’ll turn up soon.”

“I can help if you’d like,” Dean said. “I mean, if you need it and you’re okay with…” he trailed off. 

Cas thought for a moment, obviously weighing up the pros and cons of having an extra pair of eyes against having to spend time with Dean. 

“That would be really great,” Cas relented. “I really do want to get him found as fast as I can so I can get back inside.”

“No problem, let’s do this.”

They moved around together, with Dean using the flashlight on his phone to look into and under bushes while Cas held the branches out of the way. They made small talk as they looked, and before they knew it they had searched most of the block.

“Maybe we should try the next street over?” Dean suggested. “It’s not like a cat wouldn’t stray too far, waiting to get picked up and taken home.”

“I can’t really leave the street. Jacob is in bed and I need to keep the house in view.”

“Oh, right.” Dean was puzzled by this revelation but brushed it aside. Inias was probably out for the night and had left Cas to babysit. “How is Jacob doing these days? God, he must be so grown up now. It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen him.”

“Jacob is incredible,” Cas replied, a glow of happiness flooding his face. “He’s turning 16 soon and he’s becoming just the kindest and funniest young man.”

“That’s so great to hear. He’s crossed my mind a couple of times over the years,” Dean said. “Actually, I did a tour the year before last where I donated all the profits to a charity that supports people with Down Syndrome and helps them with work training and stuff. They also do this thing where they pay for accommodations for parents whose kids are in hospital wards where parents can’t stay with them overnight, so that the parents can stay close by and not have to commute so far to be with their kids.”

“I- wow, Dean. That’s amazing. I don’t even know what to say,” Cas said, his heart fluttering at the kindness and beauty that filled Dean from the inside out. 

“It’s nothing, Cas, really. I used to love hanging out with Jacob, you know that. He taught me a lot about the world. And some of my best fart jokes came from him.” Dean said, a grin spreading across his face. “I want the world to be a better place. This was just my way of contributing. But it’s not a big deal, plenty of singers and bands donate profits to charities at one time or another.”  
Cas had to fight an eye-roll at that. Even after all this time, Dean still couldn’t accept a compliment or someone praising him. 

“It’s important to people with Down Syndrome. It’s important to the people that love them,” Cas insisted. “You’re sending the message that you care and that they matter. That’s pretty fucking important if you ask me.”

“You swore,” Dean said through a smile. “I always loved it when you swore.”

Cas smiled back at him. His eyes crinkling at the corners. 

“We should be looking for this _fucking_ cat,” he said, raising an eyebrow at Dean, a laugh ghosting across his face.

“Yes. The fucking cat, of course,” Dean said, pulling himself up on a fence and peering over it. “So, what were you and Jacob doing tonight before the cat decided to become an intrepid explorer?”

They had gradually moved closer together, drawn towards each other like they always had been before. 

“Well, we talked about his birthday which is coming up really soon. I asked him what he wanted for it and he told me that he wants a _beard_ ,” Cas said, shaking his head lightly. “We also talked about what he did at school today. They’re apparently learning about the function of the brain, so Jacob asked me what brains do. I told him that he’s the one learning about them, so he should tell me what they do. Do you know what this ridiculous kid’s response was?” Cas asked.

“I can’t even imagine,” Dean said, turning to fully face Cas, his lip twitching in amusement.

“He said that the function of the brain is to think about food.”

Dean snorted and then buckled over laughing. His eyes were scrunched shut, his hand was covering his forehead like he was trying to hold himself together and failing miserably. As the laughter continued, Dean’s face filled with a flush of the most stunning color. The freckles that dusted his nose and cheeks popped against the red, and they were even more prominent than usual. Cas felt breathless. Watching Dean laugh had always been something he’d loved, but in that moment, he remembered exactly how much he loved the sound of it, too. He loved the way Dean didn’t ever hold back a single chuckle. He loved that he was completely unapologetic, and Cas was convinced it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He couldn’t take his eyes from Dean, who was now trying to stand upright. He reached out to steady himself using Cas’s arm, and Cas instinctively pulled him closer, one hand flying to Dean’s face to cup his cheek.  
As their lips met for the first time in seven years, Cas was lost in the feel, smell, and taste of everything that was Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Dean sings is called No Witnesses by Keaton Henson. It’s absolutely stunning and if you haven’t heard any of this precious human’s work, I highly recommend you go do so! He’s breathtaking.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean’s hand found its way to Cas’s hip, and the other dragged up along his neck until it was carding through his hair. He gripped as tightly as he could, like he was terrified to let go.   
As Cas kissed him, it was exactly as he remembered their kisses feeling, only this kiss was filled with hunger and desperation. Cas moved his tongue gently across Dean’s lower lip, and Dean opened his mouth to allow their tongues to join. The languid dance between their tongues was sending sparks of fire throughout Dean’s entire body. The taste of Cas was intoxicating, and Dean would have sworn he could feel himself becoming dizzy from the flavor alone. He wound his hand tighter around Cas’s waist, if only to gather some strength and stop his knees from buckling. 

It was fierce, it was hot, but more than that it felt like coming home. His soul had been craving this feeling for so long, and a single tear fell down Dean’s face. Dean didn’t dare move to wipe it away, fearful that if he stopped kissing Cas for even a second that the world might actually end.

Cas had one hand fisted into Dean’s shirt, clutching it tightly and holding Dean as close to his own body as physics would allow. The other hand was still resting against Dean’s face. He felt the tear fall, gently brushed it away with his thumb, and continued to stroke Dean’s cheek with so much softness and sweetness that it made Dean ache inside. Cas wrapped an arm around Dean, pulling him into a loving embrace as he continued to kiss him over and over. The feeling of safety was one that Dean had not felt in longer than he could remember, and he wanted to drown in it.   
They were both smiling into the kiss, neither daring to stop or speak lest this moment come to an end. Dean’s fingers moved to the hair at the top of Cas’s neck and he continued moving his fingers in soft circles. His hair was exactly as soft as Dean remembered, and Dean felt crazy with the need to keep touching it. 

Dean let Cas suck on his bottom lip and felt his knees weaken at the sensation. He moved his hands to the back of Cas’s shirt and ran his fingers along the skin just beneath the hemline. 

At his touch, Cas let out a soft moan, one that Dean recognized from so many shared moments in their past. Hearing the sound and feeling it’s familiarity was like being drenched in a bucket of ice water. He pulled away and raised his hands in front of him to protect and shield himself. 

“Cas, no. Please don’t. Please don’t do this to me,” he begged, tears threatening to overflow. 

“Dean - I don’t - I didn’t mean,” Cas began.

“No,” Dean interrupted him. “You don’t get to tell me what you did or didn’t mean. You don’t get to try anything like that with me! Are you trying to see how much more you can hurt me? What the fuck kind of game is that, Cas?” 

“It’s not a game, Dean. I’m so sorry, I really don’t know what came over me. I’ll let you go. I’m just- I’m so, so sorry.” Cas said, his face a picture of distress and regret.

“Fuck you and your bullshit apologies. You can’t possibly understand what my life has been like, Cas,” he bit out. “I was broken when you left me. It wasn’t something I ever thought I would get over, and if I’m honest the pain is still there. I’ve just learned to live with it. You broke everything about me!” Dean was no longer nearly crying; Instead he was filled with seven years of anger that had never before been directed at the right person. “I don’t date. I haven’t even bothered trying. Sure, I tell people it’s because I’m always on the road and I don’t have time, but the truth is that I don’t fucking trust anyone anymore. I don’t even trust myself to be good enough to hold on to anyone. I don’t trust myself to be someone that someone else could love”

“It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault, and it never was. It was all to do with me and things that I was going through.” Cas said, trying to keep his voice steady. “If you want to talk about it, I would really like to do that. I want to be honest and tell you everything, truly, I do.” His eyes were wide and shined with sincerity.

“Well, maybe it’s too fucking late and I don’t want to hear it. For fuck’s sake, Cas! Do you realize how little I thought of myself? Someone who said they loved me, who would say things to me about how I was their soulmate and that they didn’t understand what real love was until they met me, someone who would plan a future with me… that person told me they didn’t love me. Two days after that night where we- you know what, never mind, I can’t think about that.” Dean took a deep breath. “That person broke up with me and told me they were leaving my life for good. Doesn’t exactly scream the best things about me, does it?”

Cas had gone pale and rigid, his eyes trying to find anywhere to look that wasn’t Dean’s pain-filled face. 

“It took me a lot of years and a lot of pouring my heart out into songs while buried at the bottom of a bottle to realize that it said more about you than it did about me. You’re the one who lied to me. You’re the one who claimed you felt things that you clearly didn’t feel to lead me on. For what? Huh? Was it to pass some time before you went to college? You know what, don’t answer that. I’m done. I’m fucking done,” Dean scoffed.

Cas watched as Dean turned and walked away, his heart breaking for all the pain he’d caused the man he loved. 

***

Collapsing into bed seemed like a really good idea, but Dean decided that this flurry of emotions could be put to better use by fuelling them with some more alcohol and sitting down to write. 

With each word, he felt his heart accepting and embracing the events of the night. He was crying, but allowed himself that, knowing that he always wrote his best pieces when his emotions were raw and unrelenting. Anger layered on top of heartbreak and confusion had wrecked him to his core, and this time it felt like there would be no coming back from it. He had spent so many years trying to push the memory of Cas as far from his mind as possible, and in one night he had effectively torn the seal on those memories. They weren’t just from the distant past, now they were blended with fresh ones. He could still smell Cas on his jacket, could still feel Cas’s hand on his face, could still taste him on his lips. And the part that hurt the most was how _good_ it felt. It had always felt incredible to kiss Cas, but after 7 years of pining for it? It was like air to a man drowning. 

Dean growled in frustration at his own thoughts, furious with himself for liking that kiss so much. He could try to convince himself that he was just focusing on a tiny part of how he felt because he needed to let things flow freely so that the words could come out on paper, but even that was a weak argument with himself. He knew that he had loved having his hands in Cas’s hair, and that his entire being had wanted to curl towards him when he let out that quiet, breathy moan. A moan that had been caused by Dean’s fingers teasing at the soft skin on his back. 

Dean looked down at the ink-splattered page. The words he found confronting him were revealing the true inner desires of his heart, yet they felt foreign. He felt like someone must have snuck into his room and written them, somehow forging his own handwriting perfectly. 

He stared some more, allowing the meaning to sink into his whiskey-addled brain.

_I thought if I was deaf and dumb and blind  
I might reside in darkness pain forgot  
But still I’d know the torture in my mind  
Of what is to touch you, and to not_

Dean was so screwed. 

He figured that it was a good time to go to sleep, you know, before any other buried feelings and wants decided to make themselves known through prose. 

As he slept, his dreams were filled with blue eyes, soft lips, and the feeling of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prose at the end is a piece by Benedict Smith. I truly think he’s one of the most underrated writers of our generation, and I’d sell my soul to live in his mind forever. 
> 
> I hope you’re all doing okay in the current climate. I might be slower with updates (though I actually do have the story completely finished) because unfortunately I managed to get Covid-19. I’m doing really well and I’m now on the road to recovery, but it’s taken it’s toll on my energy levels among other things.   
> Truly, I hope none of you get this!   
> Much love   
> ~Blucifer


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early chapter in celebration of World Down Syndrome Day! 💛💙

Cas all but fell through his front door with Gabriel tucked precariously under his arm. He’d found the cat curled up and asleep inside a tire swing in someone’s front yard, and while he was filled with relief that his cat was okay and he wouldn’t have to have an upsetting conversation with Jacob the following morning, his heart felt heavier than steel. Gabriel jumped down and headed on over to his food bowl, completely unaware of the mess Cas had gotten himself into thanks to Gabe’s bid for freedom.

Cas headed into the kitchen to make some tea, and while he waited for the water to boil, he took a few deep breaths in an attempt to quell his shaking body. Too many thoughts were swirling through his mind, and the one that stood out in blinking red lights was guilt. He couldn’t believe he’d kissed Dean. He couldn’t believe how selfish he’d been with his own desires, and how he had neglected to think about how Dean might take it. He’d wanted to kiss Dean, so he did it without a second thought. _Who does that?_ he thought, with no adequate answer to give himself.

He poured the boiled water into a mug with a tea bag and took it over to his kitchen table. Staring at a small crack in the wall, he forced himself for the first time in years to consider how much he’d affected Dean. He’d always assumed that Dean would have just eventually moved on and fallen in love with someone else, and even though he occasionally listened to Dean’s music, he had _always_ deliberately avoided any hints into his personal life. It was a way to protect himself. Cas knew that he’d never moved on from Dean, but that was because he hadn’t wanted to give him up in the first place, right? Jesus, the entire reason he’d said such cruel things to him on that night was so that there would be enough anger to enable Dean to hate him and move on with his life! Had he not even accomplished that? Had he really just doomed them both to years of misery, and confusion with some pretty deep feelings of worthlessness for Dean? 

He thought about the fear that Dean projected as he’d backed away from Cas after breaking their kiss. Cas scrunched his eyes up, trying to block the visual out, hating the anguish he’d caused… but it was pointless. He hated himself for making Dean think that he was in any way unlovable. He hated himself for not just having the courage to come clean right then. He hated himself for kissing Dean and driving the knife in deeper. Most of all he hated himself for loving the feel of Dean pressed against him.   
Draining the last of his tea, he realized that Dean was likely upset, angry, and alone. The thought sent him into a mild panic, and his breathing became fast and shallow. 

Charlie. 

He had to tell Charlie. She could help.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and erased at least six messages before figuring out what he should say to her. 

Cas: _Okay, I did something reckless and stupid and I need you to check on Dean._

His phone pings almost immediately. 

Charlie: **What do you mean? He was fine when he left here and that wasn’t even an hour and a half ago**

Cas: _Gabe got out and I was looking for him. Dean walked past, saw me, and offered to help find him. We were talking a lot while we searched, and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking but I kissed him. He laughed at something Jacob did and he just looked so beautiful, Charlie. So I kissed him and it made things so much worse_

Charlie: **Oh Cas. Are you okay? Did he punch you? Which one of you needs help the most right now?**

Cas: _Him. I think. No, he didn’t punch me. But I actually think I’d feel a lot better if he had._

Cas: _He kissed me back for a while._

Charlie: **I’ve texted him asking if he’s okay.**

Charlie: **So, if he kissed you back, why am I checking on him?**

Cas: _It was fine at first. Better than fine… It felt a lot like it did before. He tasted the same, he felt the same, and just like every other time we kissed it made me all... shivery. God, I’ve missed kissing him so much. It was incredible and felt so, so good. I don’t know why he kissed me back though. I don’t know anything right now. I think he even cried at one point? It felt like he did, but he was smiling into the kiss, so I thought that maybe it was a good sign. He started lifting my shirt a little at the back and ran his fingers over my skin there, and then the next second he was pushing me off and begging me to not do this to him. I honestly don’t know what happened from one moment to the next and I was too shocked to really get many words out. He looked like he was terrified and like he was going to cry, but then he was yelling at me. He was yelling about how much I ruined him and how he doesn’t trust anyone to not hurt him and doesn’t trust himself to be loveable enough to keep someone loving him. Fuck, Charlie. I really fucked up._

His phone was silent for a good while and Cas wondered if he’d screwed up enough this time for even Charlie to despair of him. He moved over to the couch and slumped into the cushions, crooking an arm over his face and trying to drown out all thought. 

Charlie: **Cas, I honestly don’t know what to say right now. I haven’t heard from Dean, so I called Garth at the hotel and asked him to go check on him. He said he could hear him playing guitar intermittently from the front desk, so we’re pretty sure he’s safe even if he’s not exactly in the greatest of places emotionally. I told him to not bother disturbing him if it seems like he’s in the zone.**

Cas: _That’s fair. Thank you for doing that._

Charlie: **I guess the main question is what do you want to happen? You haven’t told Dean everything yet, and you don’t know how he’s going to react to that, but I think you need to try to figure out what you want before you talk to him, Cas. Are you hoping that he’ll forgive and forget so you guys can pick up where you left off? Part of you must if you’re still wanting to kiss him when you let your guard down.**

Cas: _I don’t know, Charlie. My situation is so complicated and it’s not just myself I have to consider. I don’t want to hurt Dean any more than I already have either. At this point, the only thing I for sure know I want to do is find a way to tell him the truth so that maybe he can understand that he wasn’t ever the problem. If I can give him that, if I can maybe help mend even that little part of him and that’s the only thing that comes out of all of this mess, then that’s what I want._

Charlie: **If that’s your goal, then I’m willing to help if I can. I’m not making any promises, but I will talk to Dean and ask him to hear you out and give you a chance to explain yourself. Gotta say, Cas, this is quite the 180 from a few days ago. Like, you couldn’t even handle the idea of being in the same room as him…**

Cas: _Ha. Yes. I think I realized that it’s not about what I can deal with. I owe him an apology, I owe him the truth, I owe him another apology for lying to him back then, and after tonight I owe him a promise that I’m not going to come on to him again._

Charlie: **I’m not going to argue with you there. Now, it’s time to stop with the beating yourself up portion of the night and instead go do grown-up stuff so you can go to bed. Jacob has swimming tomorrow, go sort everything for that and then get some damn sleep, okay?**

Cas: _I still find it hilarious that you have his schedule memorized just as much as I do_

Charlie: **How else am I meant to know when we both have free time for gaming sessions? Jeez, Cas. Get with the program ;-)**

Cas: _Ah, of course. How silly of me. Goodnight, Charles._

Charlie: **Later, dude**

Cas stood up from the couch and went to get Jacob’s swim bag. He checked that he still had his goggles in there, then grabbed his bathing suit and two towels from the linen closet to add to the contents. He also put some extra change in Jacob’s wallet in case he wanted a snack or drink after swimming, then set the bag by the front door so that it would be ready for Jacob to grab in the morning. 

Jacob’s bedroom door was slightly ajar as usual, so he poked his head through the crack to check on him before heading to bed himself. As he watched his boy sleeping so soundly, his arm curled around a stuffed bunny, the only thing he could think was that no matter what happened from here on out, Jacob was worth it. The life he had with Jacob was worth it. He just wished he’d dealt with how they got here a little differently.


	9. Chapter 9

_I’m never drinking again,_ Dean thought to himself as he awoke the next morning. His head was pounding, and he was pretty sure he could actually hear colors. He rolls over as slowly as he possibly can, gingerly testing his muscles and assessing damage. Rolling over didn’t help his head any, but nothing else felt too out of sorts aside from his stomach churning with the movement. 

He pulled himself into a sitting position and waited for the dizziness to pass so he could make his way to the bathroom.   
Once he’d relieved himself and ascertained that he wasn’t going to puke, he went and sat back down in bed to drink a bottle of water and take some ibuprofen. The water settled his queasy stomach, and he began to feel like he might be up to taking a shower at some point in the near future. 

Reaching for his phone to check the time, he groaned as his fingers felt the exposed wire.   
“Fuck!” He was going to have to go buy a new charger today. Apparently during his drunken rage, he’d tried to plug in his phone with just a tad too much vigor. The cable was almost completely ripped open near the end, and the wires within were exposed and frayed. The phone, of course, was completely dead.   
Resigning himself to having to interact with the public today, he once again dragged himself off the bed and into the bathroom once more. He was a little pissed that he wouldn’t just be able to go pick up his car and then spend the rest of the day holed up in his room eating junk food, but this was clearly his punishment for having gotten so drunk last night. As he showered, he very deliberately did _not_ think about his kiss with Cas last night, nor the revelations that had followed. He had brief flashes of dreams that he knew involved the same color blue of Cas’s eyes, but none of the flashes stuck around long enough for him to get a good grasp of what was going on. 

Thinking that was probably for the best, he got out of the shower and set about getting ready to leave his hotel room. He should probably go check in with that Garth kid and tell him he was going to stick around for another day or so. There was no way in hell he’d be able to drive anywhere else today. 

He stepped out into the fresh air, cursing himself for not having sunglasses with him, and heads to the diner that he’d been to nearly every day this week. He didn’t even have to look at the menu anymore and was able to give his order to the waitress the moment she made it over to his table. 

As the caffeine flooded his system and the ibuprofen kicked in, he began to feel a little more human. He could even look out the window without hissing at the sun like a vampire from a 60s horror movie. 

Dean went up to the register to pay for his food, and asked the woman where the nearest electronics store was, or anywhere that might sell a phone charger. She gave him directions and he gave her a bigger tip than usual, figuring she deserved it for having put up with his grumpy, hungover ass. 

Once he’d bought a new charger and plugged his phone into the shiny new power bank that the guy serving him had convinced him to buy (which was a great idea, Dean had to admit), he decided that rather than lock himself back in his room, he would explore a little. He was feeling a lot better than he had when he’d first woken, and he wanted to see what the town was like now. Would much have changed from when he was younger? He already knew there were a few new places, like the diner he’d just eaten at and the electronics store he’d just bought his charger at, but what else? 

He sees the small café that Ellen and Bobby used to run before they’d packed up and left town to retire, before even Dean himself had left. It was still open and running, but with faces he didn’t recognize in the place that he’d known so well. He walked past the bakery where he and Cas had once bought eclairs, only to make such a huge mess eating them that they’d dissolved into having a frenzied make-out session while they licked each other clean. There was the record store he’d dragged Cas into after discovering his abysmal taste in music. The place was now half record store, half coffee shop which Dean thought was kind of a cool venture. He makes a mental note to check it out on his way back past.  
There was the park where they’d fallen asleep side by side on the grass. Cas had declared that he could find as many constellations in Dean’s freckles as he could in the sky and then pinned Dean down so he could attack him with a pen to prove his point. They’d both laughed until they were breathless, then fallen asleep clutching one another. He walked through, assaulted by memories so vivid he could almost feel Cas’s weight against him.

Everything about this town reminded him of the man he’d once loved. Still loved. And despite the pain that those memories brought, Dean couldn’t deny that he missed this place. 

He was homesick and he was pining. 

Yet, so much anger still filled him. Cas had kissed him, and he’d allowed it. He shouldn’t have let him! Cas had no fucking right to do that, especially considering he was the one who told him that he wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He’d made it abundantly clear that it was _Dean_ that he didn’t want, so why the change now?   
It doesn’t matter how briefly; Dean knows he’s an idiot for having kissed him back.   
Dean needed a distraction. He turned on his heel and marched back out of the park, heading towards the record-slash-coffee shop. He’s greeted by a young guy who does a doubletake when he recognizes Dean’s face. Dean smiles at him and starts browsing through their music collection. 

He comes across two of his own albums and chuckles to himself. No wonder the guy working the register had recognized him, he was selling his stuff here. He didn’t want to end up in a discussion about his music right then, so he wandered over to the coffee shop side of the building and settles himself into a comfy looking armchair.   
Dean orders a coffee, and while he waits for it to arrive, he powers up his phone to see who might have been trying to contact him while he’d been living in his own little world. The first thing he sees is a message from Charlie that had come last night asking him if he was okay and saying she was there if he needed to talk. Judging by the timestamp, it must have come while he was in the midst of his rage-induced writing incident. Hmm. Cas must have said something to her. Wanting to put her out of her worries, he responds to her message.

Dean: _Hey. I’m okay. I woke up with some new stuff written, a broken charger, and a headache powerful enough to end all life on this planet, but mostly alive and unharmed. Just having coffee in the record store, which is cool but really weird. How goes your day?_

He hoped that by interjecting a little dramatic phrasing, she would see that he was well enough mentally to joke and that might ease any concern she may have had over him not responding for so long.

Charlie: **Dean! I’m so glad you’re okay! I’ll admit, I did kind of wonder if you’d packed up and left without saying goodbye AGAIN (sorry) so I’m super pleased that you’re still in town. Hey, wanna do dinner and a movie later? Maybe have a drink or two after?**

Dean: _Dinner sounds great, and I need to pick up my car from your place anyways. But can we skip the movie and go straight for a drink? Just make sure I don’t have more than a couple because I promised myself this morning that I’d never drink again, and I’d also like to be able to drive Baby back when we’re done_

Charlie: **lol dinner and drinks sounds perfect. Swing by around 7 and we can either go out for dinner or order in. Whatever you feel up to. And for fuck’s sake, Dean! Start carrying around a spare charger so you don’t cause any more heart attacks!**

Dean: _Sorry Charlie. It wasn’t intentional! I think I just got a little rough with it last night when I tried to plug my phone in. All is good now, I swear! I even have one of those power bank things that Sam is always telling me to get. Look at me learning from my mistakes, it’s almost like I’m a real life adult_

Charlie: **I wouldn’t go that far. Adults are boring.**

Dean: _Shit, you’re right. Okay, I’m going to go back to my hotel now and look over what I wrote last night, maybe see if any of it is actually usable. I’ll see you later, kiddo._

Now with something to look forward to, Dean felt better about shutting himself in the hotel room for the day. He took a deep breath and got to work on making sense of the jumbled sentences and fragments that drunk Dean had left for him the night before. If only he could stop the painful twangs that kept happening when he saw Cas’s name scrawled across the pages where he’d poured out his heart.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, you’re getting two chapters in a day because we’re all quarantining and we deserve good things. 
> 
> Take care of each other. Be kind.   
> ~Blucifer

Charlie is waiting for Dean in the parking lot and flings her arms around him enthusiastically. He can’t help but smile into her hair as he presses a kiss to the top of her head. 

“Excited to see me, nerd?”

“Always,” she huffs into his chest. She then takes a step back from him but keeps a firm grip on his arm. “Okay, so, we are absolutely going to get all the talking about Cas and what the hell happened last night out of the way first so that you won’t be stressing about it for the rest of the night. We can just rip the bandaid off and then spend the rest of the night doing whatever the frick we want, and it’s going to be better without a weight hanging over you.” She looks up at him, her face set and her eyes daring him to argue with her logic and reasoning.

“Fine,” Dean grumbles. “But as soon as we’re done, we are both going to pretend that Cas doesn’t exist for the rest of the night, deal?”

“Deal,” she concedes. She then turns around and marches through the bar towards her apartment upstairs, not even checking to see if Dean is actually following her. 

Dean tells her everything that happened last night, right down to the tears that had fallen, and the gentle way Cas had wiped them from his face. He even tells her exactly what had brought him crashing back to reality, making him pull away from Cas and start yelling. He tells her everything he yelled at Cas, too. 

Charlie was quiet for a moment, clearly deep in thought.

“To be honest, I think it will be good for Cas to hear that the breakup affected you. He’s never really talked about it until recently, but the impression I got was that he thought you would have just, you know, moved on after a little while and not looked back. Might do him some good to be faced with the fact that his actions had real consequences in your life,” she contemplated.

“How in the hell did he think it wouldn’t affect me?” Dean asks, completely stunned.

“I don’t think he thought it wouldn’t affect you, more that any pain you felt would be temporary.”

“No... He can’t be that oblivious to the fact that I was completely gone on him! You don’t just move on from a love like that. He might not have felt it or whatever, but he must have known that I absolutely _did!_ ”

“Dean,” she said with a pointed look. “This is Cas we’re talking about. He just gets an idea of how something is in his head and it’s hard for him to see that he might be wrong. It’s not even him being stubborn I don’t think, it’s really like he can’t fathom that other people might see things differently or that… his plans aren’t always that well thought out.”

Dean rolled his eyes at that. Yep, that was Cas. He could have twenty people telling him to not do something, but if he’d decided that what he wanted to do was the best way to do a thing, that thing was getting done. 

“Still, breakups suck. It’s not like I was going to be happy about it,” he commented with his eyes prickling. 

Charlie pulled him into a hug.   
“I know,” she sighed. “Can you just trust me when I say that he never set out to hurt you? Sometimes things or feelings happen and people just don’t handle them all that well. He’s not a bad person, Dean.”

“I know he’s not, Charlie. That’s the part that kills me.” He moves over to the couch and throws himself onto it. “So, can we do that thing where we don’t have to talk about Cas or the kiss or the yelling, now?”

***

They order Chinese food, grab a couple of beers, and Dean asks Charlie how things are in her life. She tells him how she ended up with the bar, explaining that originally she’d just been working there but began instigating all these theme nights and was made manager for her efforts.

“Theme nights? Dean interrupted. “Oh God, Charlie! Please don’t tell me you host karaoke nights. Please. I don’t think my soul could take it.”

“Well… okay, yes, we do karaoke nights, but it specifically has to be Disney songs or theme songs to sci-fi movies and tv shows,” she said proudly. 

“Of course, it does,” he muttered, trying his hardest to not look impressed but failing spectacularly.

“You should hear Benny performing the Ballad of Serenity. It’s haunting,” Charlie mused. “But we also have game nights, make your own pizza nights, and a few others. They’re really fun, I swear! Though now we’ve progressed to full on game days so that kids can join, but also so that people would stop complaining about not having enough time to do all the things they wanted to do.”

“You know what, Charles? I’m really fucking proud of you.”

“Ditto. It’s kinda great having you around again,” she beamed. “Now, back to my story. I’d been working at the bar for about three years when the owners wanted to sell. Everyone said I was nuts but I used all my savings, borrowed money from my parents, and took out two loans so that I could buy the place. So, I got the bar and it was all running pretty well when I realized something; I literally have no idea how to deal with my own finances, let alone those of a frickin’ business. That’s when Cas came to the rescue. He’s the manager, but he also does all the accounting. He’s great at it too, which is a relief considering he went to college for that. It’s been two years since I bought the place, and I get to do all these great things that I love, and I hardly ever have to wake up before 11am.”

“Damn. You really have got it all sorted. Seriously, when I’m on tour and actually _in_ the town I need to be in, I get to sleep in pretty late as long as I don’t have new music to practice or something, but the days I’m traveling are a nightmare of waking up at times that shouldn’t even exist. I even tried doing one of those tour bus things with the beds in it at one point but it made me hurl so bad that I ended up still getting zero sleep and had the pleasure of feeling like a strong wind would take me down all day as a result. Now I just drive myself,” he informs her. He starts fiddling with the label on his bottle. “I was wondering, how come Cas went to college to become an accountant? When we- when I left, he was due to start art college not long after. I don’t get why the change. It just seems so _not_ Cas.”

“That’s Cas’s story to tell,” she says apologetically. Dean huffs a humourless laugh.

“Guess I won’t be finding out then. I don’t have any plans to speak to him after what happened last night. I don’t even want to see him.”

“He’s in a state over it if that makes you feel any better.”

“It doesn’t,” he bites out. He drags his hand down his face and meets Charlie’s eyes. “I don’t want him to be in a state. I just don’t want to feel so fucking confused.”

“Dean, I’m going to say something right now that you’re not going to want to hear but I want you to just humor me for a second.” She widens her eyes in question and waits for Dean to nod before continuing. “There are things that you don’t know. Things that I can’t be the one to tell you. I know Cas really wants a chance to talk to you and explain things, and I really want you to consider letting him. Do you think you could do that? You could get the answers you’ve been craving at least as long as you’ve been back in town, and you might gain even more than that out of it. I don’t know for sure, but it’s gotta be better than what’s going on right now, right?” 

“I don’t know, Charlie. I get what you’re saying, and I trust you to not ask me to do something that’s going to end up with me in a worse place than I am right now… but I’m honestly chicken shit. Seeing him last night was so fucking hard. It was hard because it was so easy. Yeah, it was a bit awkward at first but we fell back into our old patterns of talking and teasing so quick it was like being slapped back into being twenty-one and in love. I can’t afford to feel or think like that.”

“You don’t have to decide right now, Dean. Just consider it. That’s all I’m asking. I honestly think it would help you both,” she says gently. Dean wonders what Cas could need help with, knowing that it must be something just from the way he was going back and forth with his reactions to Dean’s presence, but he decided for now that he just didn’t have the energy to ask.

“I’ll think about it,” he concedes. “Now, I’ve been looking at that N64 for the last hour and I would really like to demolish your dignity with a friendly game of Mario Kart. Up to getting your ass kicked, Red?”

“You couldn’t on your best night, Winchester,” she says with a wicked grin.


	11. Chapter 11

By the time Sunday morning rolled around, Dean was feeling a lot better. Okay, yes, he was still in emotional turmoil, but at least now he’s spoken to someone else about it. He vowed to himself that rather than spending the day beating himself up over Cas’s actions and his own reactions to those actions, he was going to sit down in his hotel room and write as much as he possibly could. If he was able to get a new song or two out of this whole mess, at least it wouldn’t have been a complete waste of time, energy, and emotions. And he definitely had a hell of a lot of emotions spilling out of the trash can in his mind. 

He was still mulling over what Charlie had said but was undecided about whether or not he wanted to give Cas a chance to explain himself. On the one hand he might finally get answers to questions that have been plaguing him for years, but on the other, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face what those answers might mean. They could end up hurting him even more, raise more questions, or they could even make him feel some kind of sympathy toward Cas. He didn’t want to be in a situation where he was tempted to forgive Cas, not just yet anyway. There were also many questions that had been raised since his arrival in town and getting some answers to those would be great too. Ugh. His head started spinning again. Okay, he really needed to stop thinking about Cas for a bit. He had a plan and he was going to stick to it. First breakfast, then work.

He headed out into the bright sunlight, thinking about the pancakes and bacon he was going to have in order to fuel his day of writing. Once he arrived at the diner, he seated himself at a table by the door and placed his order without even having to glance at the menu. While waiting for his food he read through his emails, saving the ones that were requests for him to perform so he could respond to them later.

He was brought out of his focus by the sound of the bell over the door jingling. He looked up and stopped breathing. Cas was standing in the partially open doorway. He had one hand on the handle of the door, and another on the shoulder of a teenage boy. When the boy turned around, Dean recognized him immediately as being Inias’s son, Jacob. _Cas must have him for the weekend if he’s still here from Friday night,_ Dean thought. 

He was tempted to just leave, but the waitress brought his food over and it smelled so damn good. Dean was strong, but not strong enough to walk away from bacon. He thanked her, then went back to watching Cas and Jacob who had seated themselves over in a booth and as far as Dean was aware, hadn’t noticed him. 

Jacob started pointing at various spots on the menu and asking loudly if he could have one of everything. Dean hung his head, smiling at how much he related to what the kid was saying.

“I think one breakfast and a treat after is more than enough,” Dean heard Cas tell Jacob, a bright smile filling his face. Then he caught sight of Dean and his face drained of blood. He offered Dean a small and uncomfortable smile, then went back to talking with Jacob.  
Dean ate his food, but every so often his eyes were drawn back to Cas and the way he was caring for Jacob. He couldn’t help but admire the way he was with the teen, and he could feel the ice in his heart thawing the more he watched them together. Cas’s eyes went soft every time he looked at Jacob. The way he communicated with him, listening so intently to everything that Jacob had to say was so far beyond sweet that Dean didn’t even have a word for it. 

By the time their food arrived, Dean was nearly finished with his, but he slowed down in his eating so he could continue to steal glances in their direction. He occasionally caught Cas’s eye, but would turn away immediately in an attempt to avoid any awkwardness. Dean knew he should stop watching, that he should just finish his food and make a move back to the hotel to write, but he felt drawn back to them, repeatedly. He found himself, for one brief moment, wishing that he could just walk over and join them but shook the thought from his head. Watching them was as far as he was willing to go. 

He saw when Cas picked up a napkin and shook his head in a half-adoring, half-exasperated way. He saw him lean across the table and take Jacob’s face gently in one hand. He saw when he tenderly and lovingly wiped syrup from Jacob’s face. 

In that moment he made a reckless decision. He grabbed the notebook he always carried in his pocket (in case he was hit with sudden lyrical inspiration) and penned out a quick message. He walked over to the register, paid his bill, and asked the waitress to please give the note to Cas. 

Then, like the chicken-shit he had already told Charlie he was, he fled the scene before he could change his mind or before Cas could read what he’d written. 

***

Cas could feel Dean’s eyes on him and Jacob, watching them while they were eating. He tried to keep his attention solely on Jacob and mostly succeeded, but it was still incredibly distracting knowing that every time he looked up, he would be able to see Dean. He looked beautiful. He was relaxed back into his chair with the sunlight streaming through the window, casting a golden light over Dean’s hair and making his eyes shine. Every time they accidentally made eye contact, Cas would have to quickly look back to his food, knowing that if he really started to look into those eyes, he would never be able to pull himself away. It had always felt that way. 

Jacob had been in a bright and wonderful mood the whole way through breakfast so far, and he was unaware of the internal struggle that Cas was experiencing. He talked about his friends, his school, and about a YouTuber he loved. Cas listened to Jacob, hung on to every word to keep himself in the conversation and not halfway across the room. Jacob made it easy. He was able to convey so much passion in his words that eventually Cas found himself interested in the plot of some of the YouTube stories, purely because they gripped Jacob so much and he wanted to be a part of that. He wanted to be involved in whatever had sparked Jacob’s imagination, even if it did happen to be Minecraft characters that he didn’t even know existed. 

“I have a joke,” Jacob announced once he had demolished his way through his food. “Knock knock!”

“Who’s there?” Cas asked him.

“Doctor.”

“Doctor who?”

“YES!” Jacob burst out, sliding down the bench of the booth a little as he lost himself to a giggling fit. 

Cas laughed with him and told him that was a brilliant joke, but inside he was trying to stop himself from crying with happiness. Jacob was able to remember the entire thing and was able to tell it to Cas. He was telling real jokes now! It thrilled Cas, and he was completely overcome with pride in his little cousin. He managed to hold himself together and when Jacob’s head reappeared from beneath the table he pointed at Jacob’s chin. 

“You have chocolate syrup all over your face,” Cas said while reaching for a napkin. “You’d probably get more food _in_ your mouth rather than _on_ it if you would slow down a little while you eat!” Cas gently chided. He dipped the napkin in his own glass of water and reached across the table, taking Jacob’s face carefully in hand so he could wipe the offending stickiness away. 

The waitress appeared back at their table to ask if they wanted anything else. 

“Chocolate muffin, please!” Declared Jacob, signing ‘please’ as he said the word. “And- and apple juice.”

Cas looked at her and nodded.

“I’ll just take another coffee, thank you,” he said to her. He turned back to Jacob, shaking his head a little. “You’re going to turn into a chunk of chocolate one of these days.”

“Good. I like chocolate,” Jacob said in response, shrugging as though Cas was just being a killjoy. 

“You are ridiculous at times, you know that?” 

“Yep. I still get chocolate, so okay,” Jacob said with a cheeky grin. 

Cas laughed, and when the waitress placed the muffin in front of Jacob, Cas laughed again at how wide the boy’s eyes got. 

“I’m gonna eat _all_ of it!” Jacob announced to the waitress. 

“I bet you do, kiddo,” she chuckled while setting his apple juice next to his plate. “I’ve seen you eat more than that in one sitting so it would take a lot more to surprise me!” She placed Cas’s coffee next to him and then started fishing in her apron for a moment.  
“I don’t know if you saw but there was a man sitting by the window,” she said, holding a piece of paper in her hands. “He was real pretty with green eyes? He just left, but he asked me to give you this.” She put the paper on the table and Cas eyed it warily. 

He reached for it, wanting to know what Dean had sent him, but waited until the waitress had walked away again before opening it. He read the note, his pulse quickening. 

_Cas,  
I’m ready to talk if you are.  
Dean  
(510) 418-3223_


	12. Chapter 12

Dean left the diner feeling pretty okay about the olive branch he’d extended to Cas. He took a slow stroll back to the hotel, thinking about Cas the entire way. It felt fine at first, but his thoughts quickly devolved into memories of their time together. Images assaulting his mind, one turning into another. 

By the time he made it back to the hotel, memories were the only thing on his mind. He slumped into the chair at the desk, made a space for his guitar to lean against the leg, and picked up a pen. 

He remembered how it felt to be wrapped in Cas’s arms, dreaming of the future life he hoped they would have together. They would talk about what that future would look like, sharing kisses and holding each other close. Cas would teach their children art, and Dean would teach them how to work on cars and play guitar. They had even spoken about how it was ridiculous to be having conversations like that given that they hadn’t even been together for all that long, but had both brushed it aside as inconsequential in relation to how they felt about each other.

Seeing Cas being so nurturing and loving towards a child had him doubting himself and whether what he’d written in that note was the truth. Was he actually ready to talk? He thought about the hurt he’d experienced when all the dreams and hopes for the future had been ripped from him. If he was honest with himself, that’s what caused the loss to be that much more excruciating, turning it into something he’d always struggled to move past. It wasn’t just the love of his life that he’d lost; he lost his best and most trusted friend, an entire future they’d been planning together, and he lost someone he never thought he could lose. His trust in others and in himself had been shattered to pieces in the process. 

He remembered how angry he was that Cas had lied to him and led him on when in reality he obviously didn’t want that future with Dean. Did he want it with someone else? Was Dean just someone to pass the time with and give Cas a bit of an ego boost? He couldn’t imagine a world where Cas would be that cruel, but nothing makes sense. And why would Cas have kissed him like that? The way he’d kissed had felt like he’d been starving for it and had finally found something he’d been seeking desperately. Could Cas have felt he’d made a mistake and regretted breaking up with him? If that was true, then why hadn’t Cas sought him out any time over the last seven years? 

The pain and confusion flowed out of him, morphing into lyrics of a song with the melody already forming in his head. 

He cried as he wrote out the words. Crying while writing was nothing new to him, he often teared up while writing songs. It’s just he hadn’t had one that caused him to cry like this since about a year after he and Cas had broken up. Back then he used to want to smash everything in sight as soon as he read over what he’d written and was confronted by his own lyrics, but this was different. There was no anger, no rage... This was a hollow, aching emptiness. Seeing Cas again, seeing him be so sweet with a child, had ripped Dean open without him even realizing. It was like he had been sitting and watching the life he’d wanted but would never have with Cas being performed right in front of him. It hurt more than he ever imagined it would. 

Staying away for the last seven years had been hard. It had been made harder by him disconnecting with anyone who might have accidentally given him updates about Cas’s life, which meant he’d lost a lot of friends too. But in that moment, with tears pouring silently down his face, Dean knew it had been the right thing to do. He never would have survived otherwise. 

The knowledge he now had of Cas’s new life, even just this tiny slice of it, was causing Dean to feel like he was gripping the edges of the world as it violently tried to fling him off. 

He wrote and wrote and wrote. He crossed out words and reorganized lines. He added more lines, and moved them around until the words on the page reflected what was happening in his heart. When he was finally done, he moved his hand to the top of the tear-splattered page and wrote one more line; the title. 

_Sweetheart, what have you done to us?_

He read it over one more time, nodded to himself, then stood up and went into the bathroom to splash some water on his face. The words were good, he knew they were. They told a story while asking important questions he was scared to have answered. 

When he came out of the bathroom, he reluctantly made some coffee. He knew that it was going to be less than pleasant but he was absolutely not in a fit state to traipse into the world to hunt down better stuff, and he seriously needed a caffeine fix.

Dean didn’t often fear his own thoughts anymore, but the ones he’d been having since seeing Cas and Jacob at breakfast had terrified him. Getting at least some of them out and on paper had helped him to face them, and he was eternally grateful for having that outlet. Things didn’t feel quite so brutal, and it was with a newfound sense of ease that he finished his drink, picked up his guitar, and set back to work.

***

Jacob was standing by the lake while Cas sat on a bench nearby. It was a beautiful day, and the sounds of the excited ducks made Jacob smile with glee. He was holding a Tupperware container of seeds and cut-in-half grapes, and he was showing Cas how he could hold so many more seeds in his hands than he used to be able to. Every couple of seconds he would toss a handful for the ducks, and then would laugh hysterically when several would go for the same piece of food. 

He’d then feel bad for the ones who had missed out, so he would throw some more just for them. Cas admired the size of Jacob’s heart and the depths of his empathy. He’d never known someone with so much kindness inside them. Usually when you came across someone who seemed so kind, their kindness may be mostly real but there was always some sense of judgment or performative air about them or their actions. With Jacob, there was never anything even remotely false about it. He was kind, he never judged, and his happiness for others was one hundred percent genuine. Cas thought, as he often did, that the world would be a better place if there were more people as beautiful as Jacob. 

“Share! You have to share,” a frustrated sounding Jacob told them, tossing a few more seeds to a duck on the edge of the group. 

“I don’t think they understand you, Jacob,” Cas informed him softly. 

Jacob plonked the container on the bench Cas was sitting on so that he had both hands free, and he started signing the word ‘share’ at them. 

“Better?” Jacob asked.

“Well, I don’t think ducks have a sign language. If they do, it’s not going to be Makaton,” Cas said. “But don’t worry too much, there are so many people that come to feed the ducks here, it’s very unlikely that they don’t all get fed. They’ll be okay, kiddo. I promise.” 

Jacob seemed mollified by the knowledge that his ducks wouldn’t starve, and went back to happily feeding the ones in front of him. Cas continued to watch him closely, but his mind strayed to Dean and the note he’d sent. Should he call or text him? Or should he just leave him be? Dean had been so angry the night they’d kissed, and he’d made it abundantly clear that he hadn’t forgiven Cas… But maybe he was trying to? Could it be that enough time had passed for them to be able to be friends once everything was out in the open? Would Dean even want to be friends with him once he found out that Cas had told him such a huge, devastating lie? 

Jacob showed Cas the empty container with a forlorn expression on his face, and Cas took it from him sympathetically. 

“Let’s go ride the steam train,” suggested Cas, hoping to cheer Jacob up. The small train ran on a track around the lake and Jacob always loved being able to see the entire thing without having to put too much energy into it. 

Once on the train, Jacob waved at everyone they went past. A smile spread across his face and his waves became more vigorous if the person waved in return. Cas took countless photos because Jacob just looked so sweet when he smiled like that.   
It was right in that moment, seeing Jacob’s face alight with curiosity and happiness, that he decided he would text Dean. He would ask him if it would be okay to attend his next gig at the bar, and also if he would let Cas buy him a drink after. 

He owed Dean the truth, and Jacob deserved to not be hidden from anyone. He was just too much of a light in Cas’s life to appear as though his role in it was being kept as a secret. Cas also didn’t want to have their living situation and the life Cas has built around Jacob be something that Dean found out through someone else. That was bound to happen eventually, this town wasn’t that big, and everyone knew each other.   
Cas huffed out a small breath and steadied his thoughts. Texting. Texting he could cope with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Sweetheart, What Have You Done To Us?” is a song by Keaton Henson. The boy is a beautiful genius, and you should absolutely go listen to this song on repeat.


	13. Chapter 13

Dean had been playing around with a melody for the lyrics he wrote earlier. His eyes were red and puffy, and his face was stinging from the salt of his tears. He was finally getting somewhere though, and the music and lyrics were slowly coming together. 

Each play through was better than the last, and he could feel his heart opening more and more with the passing hours. This was always the way with his music when he was writing about life; once a song was complete, he felt like he could accept and move forward from the strong emotions he was feeling about whatever the situation was. It was what had kept him strong for the last seven years. He always had music as a way to confront the things in his mind, and in doing so he could make sense of them better. This particular song felt like a balm to the ache caused by knowing he and Cas would never be parents together. They may both become parents at some point, but the together part of that had been destroyed a long time ago. Dean hadn’t realized he was still carrying so much of that pain around with him until he saw Cas being tender with a child. That pain had been soothed to bearable levels by the beauty he was creating through his music.

His phone vibrated with an incoming text, so he figured this was a good time to take a break and went to go check it. 

Unknown number: **Hello, Dean. I was hoping it might be okay for me to come to your next performance at Charlie’s? If you wouldn’t feel comfortable with that, I completely understand, and we can arrange another time to talk. -Cas**

Dean froze as he read through the text several times in quick succession. His mind started racing, and his heart was beating so fast in his chest that he had to sit back down. He breathed through his panic and reminded himself that he was the one who gave Cas his number. He offered to talk to Cas and to hear him out, and this was just the result of that offer. That was all it was. He stored the number in his phone and tried to keep his breathing slow and even. As he felt himself calm slightly, his phone vibrated in his hand and another text came through. 

Cas: **If it is okay for me to come, I’d like to buy you a drink after and maybe we can talk then. I’d really love to hear you perform again, but it’s totally your call.**

That’s about where Dean’s limit for coping alone hit, so he swiped out of the messaging app and called Charlie, praying as he did so that she would answer. When he heard the line connect, he didn’t even wait for her to speak before he started unloading his jumbled thoughts.

“Charlie, Cas texted me and he wants to come to my next gig at your place. I only just agreed to play for you again this morning! Holy fuck, I am freaking the fuck out,” blurted Dean as a way of greeting. 

“Slow your roll there, buddy. He’s the manager at the bar, I emailed him the schedule for the week pretty much as soon as you agreed to it. It’s fine, it’s just how things are done. How did Cas get your number, though?”

“Okay, I saw him having breakfast with Jacob earlier and I kind of gave a waitress my number on a note and asked her to give it to Cas,” he admitted.

“Wowza, that… I was not expecting,” Charlie told him. 

“I wrote on the note that I was ready to talk if he was, but now I’m not so sure. I want to, but it hurts so fucking much, Charlie! I literally spent all day writing a song about how fucked up my feelings are right now. I’m scared of it hurting more. I’m already struggling so much and I don’t know how much more I can cope with.”

“Ooh, a new Song! Can I hear it? Will you be playing it at the next show? No, wait, not important right now. Sorry, I got distracted,” she says hurriedly. “Okay, I know you’re scared but you’re Dean _Fucking_ Winchester. You’ve got this. Also, I know you don’t need reminding but you did promise to think about hearing him out. I think this is all your mind’s way of telling you that you’re ready to really listen to what Cas has to say. Don’t you kinda want to be able to put this all to rest, even if it does cause a bit of pain at first?”

“I do. I really do,” he sighs. “It threw me, seeing how Cas was with Jacob. There was so much sweetness in everything he did. Did you know we talked about having children together?”

“No, I didn’t. I’m so sorry, Dean. That must have been really hard to see.”

Dean moved over to the bed so that he could lie down for what he was about to say. He didn’t want to say these words out loud, but he knew he really needed to so that Charlie could better understand why he was so panicked.

“Yeah, I can’t say it felt great. At first, I just wanted to keep watching them because it really was beautiful to see. That’s what made me want to give him my number and say I was willing to talk. I really meant it, too. Then I just started thinking about how we were meant to have a life together, kids and everything. That life got snatched from me with no fucking warning because I cannot imagine ever wanting that with anyone else even if I could figure out how to trust someone enough to start dating again,” Dean choked out, tears starting to fall again. He grabbed a tissue from the bedside-table and wiped his tender face, wincing at the feel of the tissue scratching against his still-stinging cheeks.

“I know, Dean. It’s why I think it’s so important for you to talk to him. It might help you with that whole trust thing.”

“It’s not just other people I don’t trust, though,” he admitted quietly.

“What do you mean?” Quizzed Charlie.

“I- I don’t trust myself to be loveable enough. To be worthy of love, you know? Enough for- for someone to not fall out of love with me overnight.” His tears welled over again. 

“Oh, Dean, that’s not- you’ve gotta know that it had nothing to do with that, right? Whatever happened between you guys, he loved you so much. He didn’t just stop loving you and decide to back out. That’s not how any of that was, I promise.” She sounded desperate for him to believe her. Dean wanted to, he truly did. It would help him heal so much to know that their love hadn’t all just been in his head, that he hadn’t just been tossed aside so easily. 

“Oh yeah? Didn’t feel like that at the time,” he said.

“I know what he said to you. He told me, and I’m not going to say that what he did was okay because it absolutely wasn’t, but at the time he didn’t see another way to handle things. He made a snap decision, one that he thought he’d thought through, but that should have been dealt with differently. For what it’s worth, he’s been so different since Jacob moved in with him. He properly thinks things through now and carefully evaluates what the consequences are to every damn thing he does. It actually gets a little infuriating at times,” she chuckled lightly. “He can get a little _too_ meticulous about, you know, everything.”

“Jacob lives with him? Where’s Inias?” Dean asked, his curiosity piqued. 

“I, uh- yeah, he lives with him. He- uh, yeah. He does,” she finished, somewhat lamely.  
Dean paused for a moment, his mind racing through all the follow-up questions he now had, and then something clicked, and he only had one question he wanted to ask. 

“Charlie, how long has Jacob been living with Cas?”

The line went silent for so long that Dean thought Charlie had hung up. He checked the phone and saw the minutes still ticking over. 

“Charlie,” he repeated. “How long?”

“You really need to talk to Cas, Dean,” she said finally. “This isn’t my story to tell, and the rest of it absolutely needs to come from Cas. Give him the chance to explain and ask him all the questions you’re bursting to ask me right now. You want to talk to him, we both know that, so let all of this come from him instead. It’ll help you both, I’m sure of it.”

“Okay. That’s fair. I’ll text him. Sorry for putting you on the spot like that again, Char. But in fairness to me, this time you did kind of start it,” laughed Dean, trying to inject some ease back into the conversation. 

“I know, I know, and thank you for not shoving at it any further,” she laughed back. “Are you at least feeling better?”

“I am, thank you. I honestly don’t know how I lived without you for so long. It’s very big of you to just jump back in to being my counsellor even though I was a pig-headed asshole for so long.” Dean points out. 

“You’re worth it, and I know it wasn’t personal. Plus, I’m basically a goddess and a goddess has to forgive her worshippers for their misgivings and transgressions, duh.” 

“Yeah,” Dean chimed. “All hail the mighty goddess of Nerddom.”

“Can it with the sarcasm, Winchester. I might smite you. Now, get off the damn phone and go sort your shit.”

“’Kay. Later, Red,” Dean said. He then hung up the phone and went back to work on his song some more. If he kicked his ass into gear, he knew he could finish it before bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for the slow update, I’m still recovering from Covid and the fatigue is REAL.   
> I know some folks commented last time and I swear, I will be going through and responding to everyone once I have some more energy!   
> I love you all and I truly hope you’re staying safe and healthy 💙💚


	14. Chapter 14

Dean puttered around his hotel room delaying getting into bed because he had decided that that’s when he was going to text Cas back. And he was a whole damn bundle of nerves over it. Anything that would keep his hands or his mind busy, it was getting done. Despite the fact that the hotel had a maid service, he used some napkins to wipe down the desk in the room, and made sure that all the trash was in the garbage can. He picked up any of his clothes that he found around the room and in the bathroom, and put them in his duffel bag. Deciding that wasn’t quite good enough, he then unpacked his duffel bag and separated out his laundry to put in a plastic bag ready to be washed. Of course, then he opened the drawers of the small dresser in the room and actually put the clean clothes away.  
It was all completely unnecessary and he was well aware that he didn’t even know how long he would be staying, but keeping himself busy was helping to keep his panic in check.

He went back into the bathroom and applied a moisturizing face mask. Dean used one about once every week or two, especially if he’d been crying at all. It was a secret that not even Sam knew about, (and it was going to stay that way, he wasn’t going to give Sam more ammunition to fuel his “Dean is a diva” joke collection) but he loved the way his face felt so smooth and soft after using one. Also, the smell of the mask was pretty delicious, and he liked to use one when he was particularly stressed out because the delicate scent helped to ground him into the moment when he felt like he was floating untethered in his own mind. He’d read about the idea on a mindfulness blog, tried it once, and had been using this method ever since.

While waiting for the mask to set, he busied himself with clipping his nails down, making a note of what toiletries he was running low on, and organizing his music and lyric notes. He separated them by which song each of them corresponded to, and kept the notes that could really only be described as prose off to one side. They might end up in a song one day, they might not, but some of them were nice to read so he wanted to hang on to them just in case.

Instead of just rinsing his mask off in the sink, he figured that a hot shower would be much more calming than just splashing some water on his face. The water pressure was marvelous and felt amazing as it beat down on him and pounded the muscles in his back. They were aching from how much tension he was holding in his body over the stress of talking to Cas and fretting over what he was going to say to him. He massaged body wash into his shoulders, slowly digging out as many knots as he could. Then he raked shampoo-covered fingers through his hair, scratching at his scalp and groaning at how good it felt. Once he was fully washed and pampered from head to toe, he stepped into one of the fluffy hotel robes. He briefly considered asking Garth where it was supplied from, because god _damn_ that thing felt fantastic.  
  
Noticing that someone had refilled the selection of drinks packets and added a hot chocolate to the mix, he made one of those and sighed as the drink warmed him from the inside. He dried off, pulled on a pair of boxers to sleep in, brushed his teeth, and climbed into bed.

Bracing himself, he picked up his phone and opened the messaging app where Cas had texted him earlier. After a couple of minutes of typing out messages only to delete the entire block of text and start over, he finally hit send. 

Dean: _Hey Cas. I’m glad you messaged. Yes, it would be fine for you to come to the show and I would be okay with meeting you for a drink after. For the talking part though, do you think it would be okay for us to meet somewhere a bit quieter than the bar? Hope that’s all right and that you had a good day._

His heart felt like it could beat straight out of his chest with the speed it was approaching while he waited for a response. Luckily, Cas didn’t keep him waiting too long before he sent a text back.  
  


Cas: **That’s fine, Dean. Anything that would make you feel more comfortable is okay with me. There is the issue of location though as most public places will be closed by the time your performance is over and it would be quite difficult to have you over to my home. Where are you staying locally?**

Dean: _I’m at the hotel a few streets over from your place. It’s called The Cross Keys, do you know it? We could probably talk here. There’s rarely anyone in the bar area at night and it’s usually fairly quiet. I gotta ask though… could you please promise that you’re not going to like… try to kiss me again? That’s not what this is about._

  
Cas: **Of course, Dean. I wasn’t going to, and I’m genuinely sorry that I let you down with my behavior the other night. I’m honestly surprised that you were agreeable to talking with me at all after that. And yes, I know the place.**

Dean: _I’m agreeing to talk to you because I have too many questions that I’ve needed answering for a long ass time, and a whole bunch more that have cropped up since I got to town. I don’t wanna leave without getting some answers or I absolutely will end up driving myself crazy. Just… don’t lie to me, and if I don’t respond the way you want me to, please accept that and don’t push it further. Those are my only conditions though._

Cas: **I understand, and I promise I will answer any questions you have about everything. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I could call you and tell you the truth. None of this is your fault, it’s mine, and you didn’t deserve what you’ve been through. What I put you through. I’m just so sorry, Dean.**

Dean: _Well, I’m glad I’ll have the chance to get some answers then because I’ve been confused as fuck for the last seven years. I’m kinda sick of being confused and scared of love, regardless of how many bomb as fuck songs I’ve gotten out of it lol_

Cas: **Ah, I see you’re still using humor as a defense mechanism. That’s nice, actually. I’ve often wondered how much you might have changed over the years. I wondered if I’d even recognize the person you’ve become as being the young man I knew. It’s strangely reassuring to know that he’s still in there.**

Cas: **Yes, I agree to your conditions.**

Dean: _Thanks, Cas. I appreciate it a lot._

Cas: **I’m really looking forward to hearing you sing again, especially given that this time I won’t be in the midst of a panic attack and can actually enjoy it. I’ve missed the sound of your voice quite a lot.**

Dean: _Really? You know all my stuff’s on Spotify, right? ;)_

Cas: **I’m well aware of that, thank you. You’re clearly as charmingly irritating as ever. I actually do listen to your music sometimes. Jacob does too. There’s one song of yours that he really loves and I’ve had to ban it from the living room because it was making me want to pull my hair out from all the repetition.**

****Dean was a little shocked by the ease and openness Cas spoke about Jacob with. It made him want to start asking the questions that had arisen during his talk with Charlie, but ultimately he knew it would be better to wait until they could really talk it out. There were too many related questions he needed to ask, and even just bringing that one subject to the surface would send them down that path that was way too deep for their current conversation. Dean had waited years to figure all this out, he could wait a few more days. The subject of Jacob in a casual way, however, didn’t feel like it would be too bad of an idea to discuss. He had adored that kid back in the day, and Dean really did want to know how he was doing.

Dean: _Which song was it? I can’t believe how grown up Jacob is now! I haven’t seen him since he was about 7 or 8. Is he still obsessed with Spongebob and insisting that everything be yellow?_

Cas: **It’s mostly about Minecraft and Rocket League now, with a bit of Spider-Man and Star Wars thrown in, but yes, the color yellow is still slowly taking over everything. The song was a Danny Gruff cover you did a while ago. Danny is his favorite singer, so when he saw you’d done a cover of “Smile” he was absolutely overcome with joy at it. I thought it was good, but also that it should be considered torture to listen to it on repeat 6 hours a day for 3 months straight**

Dean: _Ahhh, that’s a great song! Jacob clearly has impeccable taste and you’re just not hip enough to appreciate it, old man._

Cas: **I can’t believe you’re taking his side. I feel so ganged up on.**

Dean: _You’re just jealous because Jacob and I are so much cooler than you._

Cas: **Oh yes, of course, that must be it. Wait… Did you hear that noise? That was the sound of me rolling my eyes so hard that it became audible. It caused an avalanche 2000 miles from here and a wolf at the San Diego zoo started howling in response to being startled.**

Dean: _You’re just proving my point now, Cas. What else is Jacob into these days? You know, besides the brilliant artist known as ME._

Cas: **Well, he plays a lot of video games and I’m fairly certain that his PS4 is slowly attaching itself to his body in a permanent manner. But he also loves science, anything to do with space, and reading books. He’s pretty much your average teenager. Complete with poop jokes, fart jokes, and an infinite supply of snark and sarcasm.**

Cas: **Check out this awesome poop emoji that Jacob made on Minecraft last weekend  
**

Cas: ***picture message received***

  
  
Dean: _That’s the best Minecraft style poop emoji I’ve ever seen. Jacob deserves an award for it. Do you know if there’s such a thing as poop emoji making contests?_

Cas: **There is in this house.**

Dean laughed out loud at the image of Cas, who had always been just on this side of too uptight, hosting contests involving poop. He also noted that the quietly adoring way Cas spoke about Jacob was genuine and filled with endearment and pride. Dean could feel the warmth from that love spreading through his entire body, and was surprised to find that he actually enjoyed the sensation. They continued texting back and forth for a little while, both carefully sticking to superficial talk and gentle teasing. When the time came for them to say goodnight, Dean’s cheeks were hurting from laughter rather than stinging from being stained by tears, and his heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. With a smile on his face, Dean drifted off into his first peaceful sleep since his arrival in town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean’s feeling some positive things... maybe it will even last? 
> 
> Anyone else want to hug the crap out of Dean and Jacob? Just me?  
> Seriously, the more I write of Jacob (even if he’s not in the scene and is just being spoken about) the more I want to hug him 😅


	15. Chapter 15

A small smile played on Castiel’s lips as he was sitting at the desk in Charlie’s office. His eyes were glued to the computer screen and he was working through some budgeting for the bar. The smile would then turn into a frown, and when that happened his knee would start to bounce. A few moments later, the frown would vanish and the smile would reappear. Occasionally he would pause in his typing to pick up his favorite mug and take a sip of the honey-sweetened green tea growing slowly cold inside it. One of the times he did this, he noticed that Charlie was looking at him, watching him carefully rather than getting on with her own work. Her face was alight with curiosity… and maybe a little suspicion.

“What?” Cas asked when he noticed where her attention was, his eyes wide and his head tilted in confusion.

“You somehow seem both happier _and_ more stressed than usual. How is that even possible?” She asked him.

“I, um- I saw Dean yesterday. It didn’t go as badly as the last time I saw him,” he told her.

“Oh?” She questioned, an eyebrow raised in his direction.

“We didn’t actually talk or anything,” he clarified. “He was just in the diner when I was having breakfast with Jacob. But he left his number with the waitress and asked her to give it to me.” He picked up his mug and took another sip, the smile appearing back on his face.

“And?” Charlie said, gesturing for him to continue. “Did you call him? Text him? What happened?”

“I texted him,” he said, the smile turning into a full-blown grin. “We talked via text for almost an hour last night!”

“Holy forking hell, Cas! That’s kinda awesome!”

“You have got to lay off _The Good Place_ ,” grumbled Cas with an over-the-top eye roll. “But yes, it was… awesome. It just felt so easy to fall into conversation with him. You know how much I struggle to connect with people. You know what a big deal that is to me.”

“I know. I’m often surprised that you’re still okay talking to me,” she teased.

“It felt a lot like it does with you, actually. The ease of it, I mean. It’s was a lot more natural and comfortable than it is with anyone else, except maybe you.”

“Are you going to put me out of my misery and tell me what you talked about for so long?”

“Well… I asked him if I could come hear him play at his next gig for the bar. He said I could. And he agreed to talk to me after so we’re going to go back to his hotel and talk in the bar there.” He pauses to scratch nervously at the back of his neck. “I’m glad that I get to hear him play and that he’s willing to text with me, but I’m scared about the talk.”

“I can understand why you’re nervous, but if he’s said he’ll talk to you then I’m sure it’s because he’s ready to hear what you’ve got to say. Have some faith in him, and yourself for that matter.” She reached out a comforting hand and rests it on top of Cas’s over their shared desk. Then, quite without warning, Charlie’s eyes lit up. “Oh my god! You’re going to get to hear him play!”

“I know, I’m thoroughly looking forward to it. It’s been a long time since I heard his voice. I don’t count the time that caused me to have a meltdown,” he joked.

“No, you don’t understand! His _music_ , Cas! The lyrics he’s written and the way he sings them? Oh, gods are they incredible.”

“I have heard his songs before. It’s not like I’ve never listened to his music.”

“It’s nothing like hearing them performed by him live and in the flesh,” she gushed, her eyes almost dazed with passion for her friend’s art. “The way he sings his lyrics with so much emotion behind them? It’s like you can tell that he’s truly feeling everything he’s singing about. He doesn’t just remind you of a time you felt those things, he forces you as the listener to experience the emotions with him.”

“Ah, so I’m going to be highly emotional and raw for my talk with Dean,” Cas sighed, fingers pressed to the bridge of his nose.

“I mean, it might not be the worst thing in the world. It means you’ll both be in an open emotional state and the feelings you express will be more honest?” Judging by her face, she didn’t really believe her own words.

“Fuck. I just hope it goes okay. I need to be able to start putting my brain back together at some point.”

“I firmly believe that it’s going to be fine. You both want this and you’re both preparing yourselves for it. You’re also both probably going to cry, but that’s okay too.” She pauses for a moment before continuing. “Are you planning on texting him again before you see him?”

“I’m not sure. Can I ask you to do me a favor though?”

“Depends what it is,” she said, her eyes sparkling. Cas chooses to ignore this and goes right on ahead with his request.

“Could you please text Dean on Saturday morning to make sure he’s okay after hearing everything I have to say? I’m more concerned for him than I am for myself if things don’t go well.”

“Sure thing, Cas,” she promised.

“Great. Now, I’m going to get back to work so that you actually have money in the right accounts and can pay the other employees.” He turned back to the computer, looking much more content than he had all day. He then looked back at Charlie for a second. “Thanks for checking in, Char. It means a lot.”

Once he was settled, Cas continued working, noticing that he was much more efficient now that he’d had a chance to voice some of his concerns. He heard his phone vibrate but chose to ignore it in favor of getting as much work done as he could to make up for the time spent talking to Charlie earlier. It’s only when he heard it vibrate again that he reached for it. Whoever it was had sent two messages in such quick succession that Cas was concerned it might be important. Instead, Dean’s name and an icon showing he’d sent a picture message were visible in the notifications. Without even realizing he was doing so, Cas smiled softly as he clicked to open the message thread.

***

It’s not that Dean hasn’t been doing laundry, because he absolutely has. The issue is that he was only planning to be away from home for about four days, so he only had enough clothes for four days with him. Even with doing his laundry frequently, he felt like he was wearing the same three shirts over and over (because he was).

He decided that going clothes shopping was a necessity if he was going to stay here much longer. Seeing as how he kept finding excuse after excuse to not leave town, well, clothes shopping was what he was going to do.

The town he was in was pretty small, so he did what all the locals did and went to the Target a couple of towns over. It felt kind of good to be on the road, even though the journey was quite short. He pulled his Baby into an empty spot and went inside to see if anything would catch his eye.

He wandered around the store grabbing some standard and basic underwear, socks, jeans, and a couple of flannels to go over the top, but wanted to get T-shirts that he’d genuinely wear again.

As he was going through the T-shirt’s, he came to one that had the Death Star as a Pokéball on a black background. Dean immediately snapped a photo of it, and before he could think better of it, he sent it to Cas.

Dean: _holy crap, Does Jacob like Pokémon as well as Star Wars?  
_

Dean _: Because if so he absolutely needs this shirt_

While he waited for a response from Cas, he looked through some other Ts in the same area. He told himself that he would give Cas 15 minutes to respond, just while he browsed and found some T-shirt’s for himself, and then he’d carry on with the rest of his shopping. Luckily, Cas’s reply appeared rather quickly.

Cas: **Yes, he loves Pokémon, does the shirt come in a men’s small?**

Dean checked and let Cas know his findings.

Dean: _Yeah they do, but there’s only one left in that size. Want me to grab it so it doesn’t sell out before you have a chance to get out here?_

Dean hoped that his message didn’t come across as too strange. _Was_ it strange to offer to buy someone else’s kid a shirt? He hadn’t seen Jacob in years… but at one point he’d been pretty close with the kid, so it couldn’t be that weird, right? _Cas would tell me,_ Dean thought. If there was an issue, Cas would undoubtedly let him know.

Cas: **Yes, thank you. It’s Jacob’s birthday a week from Saturday and that would be a perfect gift. I can give you the money for it when I see you on Friday.**

Dean smiled to himself, and wasn’t even surprised to find himself thinking that he hoped he was still in town by that point. It would be awesome to be able to give Jacob the shirt in person to see his reaction, too. 

Dean: _Don’t worry about it. If it’s okay with you, I’d love to give it as a birthday gift from me. Even if it has to be an early gift before I leave town_

Cas: **Jacob will likely explode with happiness. He’s quite the fan of your music**

Dean: _lol, adorable. That’s settled then. Catch you later, Cas_

Dean grabbed the shirt in the correct size and added it to the growing pile in his cart. He picked out a few more shirts for himself then went to pay, eager to get back into town early enough to avoid rush hour traffic. He didn’t want to be all tense and stressed out for when he called his brother later that evening.

** *

Cas was still sitting in his desk chair, staring at his phone. He couldn’t stop himself from pondering the interaction he’d just had with Dean. He was thoroughly enjoying the contact he and Dean had been sharing, but was trying to not look too closely at why that was.

Dean’s messages had been friendly and sweet, but Cas kept focussing on the part where Dean said “if it’s okay with you” about him getting Jacob a gift. _You._ That’s something pretty normal for him to hear as Jacob’s caregiver. _But Dean doesn't know Jacob lives with me... does he?_

Cas tried to remove the thought from his mind. It was something he would have to worry about later, and really, would it be the worst thing in the world if Dean _did_ know that Jacob lived with him? If he already knew, then all Cas had to do was explain how it came about and the reasons behind it. It might be a little less shocking for Dean if he already had an inkling.

Images started flashing through his mind before he could get a firm grasp on them or stop them in their tracks. The police coming. The social workers. The doctors. The lawyers. The background checks. Those _fucking_ background checks that had wrecked so much.

Cas took a deep breath. Then another. Then another. He _had_ to get ahold of himself or he was going to start spiraling. He picked up his Mindfulness rock that he stored on his desk, focused on it, and continued to breathe steadily.

After a few minutes, the flashing images stopped and his heart had slowed. Cas exhaled slowly and moved to the mini fridge to grab some water before forcing his mind back to the numbers in front of him. 

** *

Dean arrived back at his hotel room and decided to have a shower before worrying about the rest of his evening.

He wanted to call Sam but resolved to order food first so that by the time he was done talking, he could just eat and get on with some writing. It was the sensible thing to do. While he was on the phone with the pizza place, his eyes kept landing on the small bag containing Jacob’s shirt, and Dean was a little stunned to realize that it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Dean hung up after placing his order and immediately scrolled through his contacts until he came upon his brother’s name. Knowing that this was going to be a pretty lengthy conversation, he made himself comfortable on the bed and settled back into the pillows before he hit dial.

“Dean! It’s so good to hear from you!” Sam’s voice trilled through the phone. “How have things been going?”

“I don’t even know where to start, dude. Shit’s been wild.”

Dean spent the next half hour spilling to Sam about pretty much everything that had happened since he got to town a couple of weeks ago. He told him everything, even the parts that didn’t make him sound too great. Sam listened to Dean’s explanation with genuine interest, and as always was understanding to Dean’s plight. After hearing the entirety of Dean’s story, he let out a long, slow exhale.

“I’ve gotta say, I was wondering why I kept getting texts from you saying you were extending your visit,” Sam said, a teasing lilt to his voice. “So tell me, how are you feeling about Cas now?”

“I’m still angry. I’m still feelin’ a lotta hurt. But I’m tryin’ real hard to do what Charlie asked me and make peace.” Dean said with sincerity. “Well, maybe not complete peace, but I’m gonna hear the guy out.”

“That’s really mature of you, Dean. It can’t be easy having to relive what’s caused you so much pain.”

“I mean, a lot of me agreein’ to talk is that I have questions that I want answered,” he added. “Staying on Cas’s good side is probably a better way of getting those answers than yellin’ at him the like I did the other night.”

“Are you sure that’s all it is?” Sam asked. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not crushing on Cas again?”

“Awww c’mon, Sammy, don’t do this to me.” Sam responded with silence. “Ughh, fine. Honestly… it was really great talkin’ to him last night,” Dean rushed out, clearly nervous about admitting such a thing. “I haven’t felt that kind of easiness with anyone else. But that’s just how things always were with Cas. We always just kinda got each other, y’know? And it’s nice… havin’ someone get you without explaining yourself all the damn time. But I’m not stupid enough to let a little easy conversation make me wanna relive the heartbreak.”

“Sure, Dean,” Sam replied. Dean could almost hear the teasing eye roll.

“Okay, enough out of you,” Dean said with an eye roll. “I need to get off the phone so I can go do some work.”

“You’re actually working?” Sam exclaimed in mock disbelief. “I figured you’d be holed up in the hotel and stuffing your face with junk food, refusing to leave the room in case you accidentally saw someone you knew,” snorted Sam.

“Bitch. I’m meant to be writing music and lyrics while I’m here, and I _have_ gotten some stuff written, thank you very much. I’m just a bit behind because of all the mental distractions. Also, I’m expecting a pizza any second and I’d much rather be eatin’ that than gettin’ shit from you,” he grumbled.

After they said their goodbyes, there was a knock on the door. Dean dove into the pizza with gusto, watching Firefly on his phone while he ate. He knew he was going to have to start writing once he was done, so he allowed himself some time to chill. He needed a break from his emotions before jumping back into them.

At the end of the episode, with his pizza long since gone, Dean settled at the desk with a sigh. He poured himself a drink, straightened out his papers, and picked up his pen.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Leah, my beautiful Alpha. She always knows how to give my ass a kick when I’m stalling. I don’t think there are enough words to say how much I treasure you and your input.
> 
> Thank you also to PrettySin who was on hand to assist with smut, and to DarknessBound who checked for speed, clarity, and reality. Without you, this chapter would probably have sat staring at me for another month.

Castiel’s dreams were often about Dean. The ones he could remember had always filled him with pain and guilt. He had relived the way Dean’s face fell and the tears he cried during the moment of their breakup so many times over the years, and the last couple of weeks had increased that number exponentially. He’d heard Dean screaming at him in anger and betrayal, the hurt strewn across his face and marring his otherwise stunning features. He would wake up damp from sweat, the screams still echoing in his ears, clutching his chest, and wishing with all his heart that he could go back to that night and change the way he’d left things.

Yes, his dreams were often of Dean. He had dreamed of him several times since he’d first seen him again, but mostly these ones had been hazy and difficult to place. The dream that had just woken him up, however, was vivid and so different to the ones that had come before. They were filled with soft touches, Dean’s hands raking through Cas’ hair, and Cas pressing his fingers into the curve of Dean’s hips. He could almost smell the scent of Dean’s shampoo, and it left him hungry for more. The room in his mind was brimming with quiet moans falling from Dean’s lips. Those lips would then abruptly be colliding with Cas’s own, causing an electric current to run through Cas’s body. Every pause in their kissing resulted in shared breaths, which only heightened the intimacy of the moment. Dean’s kisses moved over to the bolt of Cas’s jaw, then pressed their way down his neck. He lightly sucked at his pulse point and Cas felt his body shiver from the sensation. As Dean moved his hands lower, trailing his fingers through the hair on Cas’s stomach, Cas was needy with anticipation. Cas moved his hands to the front of Dean’s boxers and tugged them until they were pooled at his feet. Dean followed suit, and soon Cas was divulged of his clothing too.

Dean got to his knees and took Cas’ cock into his mouth, winking at Cas when he saw Cas watching. He always did look so beautiful with his lips stretched around Cas and the spark of cheek in his eyes. Dean used his tongue to get Cas completely wet, then stood back up to lock onto Cas’s lips once more. Cas took both of their cocks in hand, and slowly moved in rhythm with the way their bodies were grinding. They moved in this way, clutching one another, their sweat-drenched bodies slotted together until they were keening in ecstasy. Cas was losing coherent thought at how Dean fit with him in a way that no other body had before or since.

The greatest sensation coursing through Cas was a feeling of love and home.

Cas woke up gasping, already on the verge of coming. Without pausing to think, he reached his hand into his sweatpants and fisted his hand around himself. A groan escaped his lips at the contact and he ached for more. He replayed the events of his dream, and the image of Dean taking his entire length in one go had him inching closer and closer to release. He was desperate as he fucked into his own hand, so much precome having dripped down his shaft that lube was completely unnecessary.

He didn’t bother even trying to slow down or hold back as the heat pooled in his stomach, and within moments he was panting through his climax, whimpering Dean’s name into the dark.

He laid there trying to catch his breath, wishing with everything he had that Dean was right there with him as they came down from their high together. He knew that thoughts like these were dangerous and would likely lead to pain, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He hadn’t come like that in longer than he could remember, and it was definitely the hardest he’d ever come from jacking off. He was almost dizzy from it, and his legs had all but turned to jelly. The dream itself was enough to cause some unsteadiness, but an orgasm that powerful within minutes of waking up had kind of floored him.

As he lay there waiting for his breathing to slow, he wondered why he’d had such an explicit and intense dream about Dean. Cas was pretty used to seeing Dean’s face in his sleep, but it hadn’t been since they first met that he’d had dreams where they’d each stripped the other naked and worshipped each other like that. With a frustrated sigh, he realized that his body was probably craving closeness with Dean, and his dreams were the outlet it was using to protest their continued distance.

After a few minutes he managed to rouse himself from bed enough to stumble to the en-suite bathroom. He turned the tap with his non-sticky hand and ran a washcloth under the stream of warm water. A hiss escaped his lips as he cleaned himself up, the over-sensitivity startling him slightly. Then he went back into the bedroom to change his boxers. While pulling on the fresh pair, he glanced over at at the clock, groaning to himself when he concluded that there was zero point in going back to sleep.

It was 5:40am, and he had to be up in twenty minutes to get Jacob ready for school. Definitely not worth it to get back into bed.

He sat down for a couple more minutes, trying to slow his heartbeat a little and thinking of what needed doing around the house that he could put this extra time into.

It had been a while since he’d made something fun for breakfast, so with that thought he jumped up to go get it started.

Jacob’s face popped into his mind and he immediately knew what he was going to make. Cas moved around the kitchen, grabbing ingredients and a bowl as he went. As he reached into the cupboard that contained the waffle iron, he heard the door to the kitchen open.

Jacob leant on the door jamb for a second before walking into the kitchen, his hair stuck up awkwardly at a million different angles. His slight curls were shrouding one eye, and the other was being rubbed while Jacob let out an adorable yawn.

Though sleepy, Jacob was aware enough to recognize what Cas was doing. When it came to his favorite foods, it would take a lot more than being a little sleep-mussed to knock him off his game.

“YES! Chocolate chip waffles! I love chocolate chip, Cas!” Jacob whooped while throwing his arms around Cas’ middle.

Cas kinda melted a little, holding one arm out to wrap around the teen. He kissed Jacob on the top of his head, and his eyes went soft when Jacob hummed in response.

“I know you do, sweet boy,” he said. “Do you want to help?”

“Nope. You can do it. I’ll watch,” Jacob announced, yanking out a chair from the table with quite a bit more force than necessary. He sat down in the chair with a loud thump, then blinked up at Cas expectantly with a beaming smile on his face.

“Must it always be this way?” Cas asked, smiling softly back at Jacob.

“I like watching,” shrugged Jacob.

“You like eating food without having to do any of the work, is what you like,” Cas countered. He carefully measured out the chocolate chips as he spoke, but then dumped another cupful into the batter. They both liked extra chips, and Jacob loved watching the melted chocolate pour out to cover his strawberries. Ah, strawberries! “Jacob, you can get the whipped cream and strawberries out of the fridge. There are still some in the bowl and they’re already cut, so just put them on the table.”

“Okay,” Jacob agreed, carefully taking out the cream and the bowl and placing them on the table. “It’s cold.”

“Yes, they’ve been in the fridge,” teased Cas. “Okay, first two are ready.” He brought the plate over to Jacob who grabbed a knife and fork from the cup on the table. Cas had long since learned that having cutlery in a separate drawer only lead to having to re-wash a lot of it due to Jacob’s issues with proprioception. He watched fondly as Jacob selected another set of cutlery and placed them at Cas’ spot on the table. “Thank you, Jacob. That’s very kind of you,” he encouraged.

They ate their waffles together, talking about everything Jacob was hoping to do at school. Cas was once again hit by the overwhelming sense of rightness. Whatever other personal and relationship issues it had caused, there was no way he’d ever regret having this incredible little human enter his life.

*~*

Dean was having a pretty good morning. He’d finished a song he’d been working on, and that was always enough to put him in a good mood. He knew it was a bit angsty, but seeing as that’s kind of his aesthetic, he figured it was okay.

He celebrated by taking himself out for lunch. Burgers and pie with a side of coffee would make this good day even better, and dammit, Dean deserved that after the mind-fuck the last few weeks had been.

He bit into his burger and couldn’t help the groan that followed.

“Are you eating that thing or should I be clearin’ this place out so you can make love to it?” Dean heard a gruff, teasing voice call out from across the room.

“Hey, Benny! Goo’t’ see ya,” Dean forced out, grinning around the huge mouthful of food. He swallowd and then tried talking again. “Have you tried this? Because you wouldn’t be making fun of me if you’d had it. It’s like angels dancing on your damn tongue.”

“No, brother,” Benny said, amusement shining in his eyes. “Can’t say I’ve had that one. My fiancée is a big fan of some special diet she’s on so we don’t tend to eat that kinda stuff. Looks good though, I might have to give it a try.”

“Pull up a chair and order this fucking burger, Benny.”

The two men sat together and scarfed down their burgers at top speed, with Benny conceding that yes, it’s worth all the groaning and that he’s going to have to insist to Andrea that this burger counts as his version of the special diet.

Benny talked about his fiancée a little more, and asked Dean if he’d be in this part of the country in four months.

“I might be, kinda depends on the tour schedule. Some are booked way far in advance, others pop up only a night or two before. Why? What did you have in mind?” Dean asked him.

“I’m asking… if you would consider playing at my wedding.”

“I don’t normally do those kinda gigs,” Dean said with a thoughtful look on his face. “But I do like doing them. So much personality and feeling - plus there’s just something special about being a part of such a hugely important day in a person’s life.” Dean’s face turned wistful, his eyes becoming slightly glossed over and a barely-there smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You know what? Give me the date. If I’m free, I’ll do it.”

Benny thanked him with open sincerity and they continued to talk for a while. They talked about how long Benny had been working for Charlie, and he told Dean his favorite part of working for her is how generous she is. Dean could understand that. Her heart was pure gold.

“She talks about you a lot too, Dean. Always goin’ on about how proud she is of you for doing so well. You can see how much she cares, and how much she misses you. Honestly I can’t believe I only just met you ‘cause I feel like I’ve known you for years with how often she goes on ‘bout you.”

Dean felt a pang of guilt at that, but allowed Benny to continue talking about the epitome of kindness that is Charlie.

“Latest thing is her closing down the bar for a night to host Jacob’s birthday. She’s putting in all these rules and special measures to make sure he has a good night.”

“That’s incredible, but doesn’t surprise me at all,” Dean offered. “She loves helping people, especially the ones she loves. Sounds exactly on brand for her.”

“Definitely,” Benny quickly agreed, then looked up at Dean with a face full of something that looked like curiosity mixed with scheming. “I do have to say, I’m a little surprised that she hasn’t asked you to perform that night already. Kid loves live music and he’s a pretty big fan of yours. He’d get one hell of a kick outta it, that’s for sure.”

“I think I know the answer to that one,” chuckled Dean. “It’s probably because I’m meant to have left already. I just keep getting asked to do “one more” show for Charlie, and I can’t turn her down because… you know, it’s Charlie.” He shrugged, knowing that Benny would get exactly what he meant.

After Benny headed back home, Dean sat at the table a while longer, slowly picking at his bowl of fries. _I could offer_ , he thought. _I could offer to stick around for another week to play at Jacob’s birthday party._

He would do that. He would do exactly that.

He would offer to play for Jacob’s birthday if that’s what they want.

It’s only in the early hours of the following morning that he allowed himself to admit that he was now actively looking for excuses to stay in town a bit longer; but he had to hand it to himself that as far as excuses go, this is a pretty damn good one.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it took so long. I did that thing where I decided I hated every single thing I’ve written for the rest of this and had to rewrite it.

After his chat with Benny, Dean felt like he could do with some more socializing because being around other people was feeling pretty fucking great. It wasn’t something he usually allowed himself to do, and at that moment he couldn’t think of a single reason why he should continue in that way.

He was becoming more able to keep his emotions near the surface in a healthy manner, too. Dean was very familiar with needing constant access to his feelings as it helped him as a writer, but often it meant that they spilled out when he was least expecting. Sometimes they were suddenly unloading at inopportune moments. Because of this, he often avoided conversation with others in case things got deep enough to scratch the thin surface. He was much better at talking about them than he used to be when he was younger, though. Writing his feelings so often had caused him to not be _quite_ so closed off with people, and for the first time he was really seeing the benefits to that practice as long as it was around people he trusted. Opening up to other people, even in small ways, was helping Dean keep his head on straight. He also just loved having genuine friends in his life, ones that weren’t just people he had to be around because of his job.

Dean texted Charlie to ask if she was free to hang out, and after receiving a resounding “yes” he went to the bar. He headed up the stairs to the apartment over it that Charlie lived in, thinking about how much he loved being there. The bar was cozy and felt like a family home, one that he’d been welcomed into with open arms. His heart felt full at the very thought.

During the course of their conversation, Dean filled her in on his talk with Cas, and about the shirt he got for Jacob.

“Jacob will likely burst with excitement at getting a birthday present from one of his favorite singers!” Charlie exclaimed. “I really hope I get to see his face light up over it! He loves you so much. I swear it must drive Cas bonkers at times. But oh my gosh, Jacob is just going to be beside himself. You’re going to see the ‘Jacob’ smile and your entire heart is going to squee!”

“I have never, nor will I ever _squee_. Not in this life,” Dean insisted.

“I’d like to see you resist that kid. His smile is made of sunbeams, and you’re gonna be hit with it so damn hard. A singer he loves handing him a shirt with things he loves on it? Ha. You’re so screwed.” She laughed, but her face was shining with adoration over the teen.

Dean saw this as the perfect opportunity for a minor subject change.

“Speaking of singing, I heard from Benny that you were looking for someone to play at the party for Jacob. I- uhh.. I’d like to offer to be that someone. If you and Cas are okay with that, of course.”

“Oh my god, no way! Really? You’d do that?” She asked, practically bouncing on the soles of her feet. “Jacob absolutely _adores_ you! He’d be super heckin’ thrilled.” 

“That’s what I like to hear,” Dean grinned at her, helping himself to a beer. “Benny mentioned Jacob was a fan and that you were looking… so, yeah. Let’s do this.”

“And the fact that it’s still over a week away, that’s not got anything to do with it right?” Charlie asked, a glimmer in her eye. “Seems to me like _someone_ here is just looking for excuses to stick around a while longer.”

“Okay, okay. Yes. Are you happy?” He reluctantly admitted. “There’s just

somethin’ about being back home that feels really good, like it’s where I’m meant to be right now. I’m not pushin’ it, I’m just following along for as long as it feels right.”

“Cool. I like having you around,” replied Charlie, happily plonking herself beside Dean.

“Can it with the smug looks or I’m gonna go drink in that corner over there.”

*~*

That night, Charlie went over to Cas and Jacob’s house to visit with them before she had to head into work for the evening. Jacob was as happy to see her as he always was, and chatted animatedly about how he’d tried making Gabriel a new collar, but that the cat had eaten it. Jacob sighed dramatically, an expression of forlorn so clear on his face that Hollywood’s best actors would be jealous, and said he probably wouldn’t make the next one out of Cheerios.

After a couple of games with Jacob, Charlie headed into the kitchen to talk some things over with her best friend.

Leaving Jacob to play LEGO Marvel Heroes, Charlie waited until Cas was seated with a cup of tea before bringing up the idea of Dean playing for Jacob’s birthday.

“I think that’s a really lovely idea,” he said, though his tone was slightly pinched.

“You wanna try that one again, buddy?”

“Okay, fine. I’m still struggling with Dean being around, but at the same time it feels pretty good… and honestly, that’s scaring the crap out of me,” Cas admitted, his voice low and his eyes staring at the edge of the mug where the string from the teabag was dangling over. “I know my reaction that first night was over the top, but that was mainly because it was a surprise I wasn’t expecting. It was a lot to handle. I’m better now though, I promise.”

“It’s gonna keep being hard the less you’re around him. And you’re meant to be meeting up with him to discuss things, so like… Maybe just keep reminding yourself that he’s probably nervous too? You’re both in uncharted waters here. Whatever weirdness happens, at least you’re doing it together.”

“Yes, absolutely. And honestly, I’m feeling much better about Dean being around now that he and I have had a few friendly conversations. Takes the edge off a little.”

“Have you thought more about what you’re going to say to him tomorrow? You don’t have to tell me, just- I’m here to listen if you need me.”

“I’m going to ask Dean to just listen to my story in its entirety, and will offer to answer any questions once I’ve managed to get the full story out. I don’t know though, I’m pretty nervous because I don’t think Dean is going to react well.”

“He might not. And that’s okay, he’s allowed to feel whatever he feels about it. This was a big thing for him and it’s affected his life so damn much, Cas. But always know that you’ve got me and a whole bunch of other folks supporting you, whatever happens.”

“My other concern is if Dean takes it badly, which is likely - because let’s face it, I was a dick - he’s going to end up leaving town again… so while I think it will be awesome if it all goes well, I don’t want to tell Jacob _who_ will be performing at his party, and instead maybe we just tell him that there will be live music?”

“That’s a great idea! Jacob will be excited either way, and if it all goes to plan then he will have that extra boost at finding out its Dean!” Charlie beamed at this, and Cas could see her trying to contain her excitement. This girl and her love for parties was pretty damn adorable. “And how are you feeling about him? Like… you know, emotions-wise?”

“Ughh. I was hoping you wouldn’t ask me that,” Cas said, covering his face with his hands. “I’ll admit, I’ve been experiencing heightened feelings for Dean again since seeing him. And I’ve got a lot of relief coursing through that Dean hasn’t just written me off because of that kiss. At least I know myself well enough to be really fucking certain I’ll never put Dean in that situation again.”

“You’re preparing yourself though, right? Dean is a forgiving person, but like I said, you made a choice that hugely affected his life and didn’t consult him on it. Whatever reasons are behind that, he’s not gonna be happy about it, and he’s likely going to be pissed off with you because it just wasn’t your choice to make. Not for him.”

“I am, Charlie, I really am. I know things aren’t going to just be fine and fuck knows I’m not expecting him to want to be friends after this. But I meant what I said, and however hard it is and however much it hurts me, I owe him this. For the record, even though at the time I couldn’t see a way to tell him the truth without either dragging him down and having him waste years waiting for me; or having him think it was all his fault outside of just thinking we were incompatible… I would do things differently if I could go back and do it again. I truly would.”

“Wait. Why would he blame himself?”

“There were just… things. I wasn’t allowed to date, but there was more to it. I was told that he… No, It’s not my story to tell. I don’t hold it against him, and I know he would have done.” Cas scowled to himself briefly. “I honestly thought that with what I actually did, he would just hate me for a bit and then move on. How the hell was I ever that naïve? Dean is different.” Cas paused, dragging a finger up his mug to wipe up a drop of tea. “I should have known he was different. That _we_ were different.”

Charlie thought quietly for a moment. “I’m really glad you’ll get to hear Dean’s songs live tomorrow. I think you will understand them so much more with all of Dean’s added inflection during a live performance.”

At that moment, Jacob came stampeding into the room.

“Live music? Who’s playing? Is it tomorrow? Can I go?”

Charlie laughed at his enthusiasm. Live music at the bar happened a lot and Jacob was always just as eager to hear it, regardless of who may be performing that week. His love for live music was such a precious and infectious thing.

“No, you can’t, but Charlie is going to find someone to play live music for your party,” Cas announced. Jacob immediately started jumping up and down in excitement, with his arms flapping and a huge grin on his face.

“Ahhhhhhh! I love you, Charlie!” He yelled, flinging his arms around her waist. She pressed a kiss to his brownish-blond curls and hugged him back as tightly as she could. Jacob wriggled free and ran out of the room, mumbling something about telling Jack.

“I swear, this kid is going to keep every local performer in business when he grows up,” Charlie commented, not bothering to hide the smile on her face.


End file.
